Let's All Get Buffed, Beautiful and Bitchin'

The "before" picture - this, my friends, is the face of a woman on the edge - but, wait until you see the "after" shot!

Ever get the feeling that, you know, there's this unseen force, hanging out in the universe somewhere, with nothing better to do than rain on some poor schmuck's parade.

If the kids & I don't get (or, see) some sun soon, we may ALL just lose our sh*t today; considering a trip to the mall I am THAT desperate!

Summer's been very, very slow to start (here in Jersey) rain, rain and more rain, even the ants, that normally bug us around this time of year, have packed up and left town.  So, understandably, the kids and I are gettin' a little...um...antsy.

If it were not for Twitter, I would have totally lost my sh*t by now.

Who wouldn't? With 6 people living in a 7 room house? Quick to lose your sh*t, if summer refused to show it's bright & shiny head, I mean.

So, my friend Melisa (with one S and one L, I think) Twittered (Twitted?) a suggestion:

@thisfullhouse How about a family field trip to the tanning salon? That might be fun.

[cue choir of angels on high]

Hey, wait a minute, that's right, I almost forgot (thanks, Melisa with one S!) you see, I HAD A GET OUTTA THE HOUSE CARD for free, well, sort of. My husband, Garth [not his real name] gave me a gift card for a massage (or, a me...ssage...as he likes to call it) and 3 days into our summer break, I was already SO, you know, ready to use it!

 

Now, before you get all "I don't never get to go to no massage," on me, although I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't excited (seriously, a me...ssage) does anyone else have a problem with stressing out about stuff, like this?

Gotta shower, first...oh, wait, gotta pick up the boy from that birthday party first...can't forget to shave my legs...might as well pick up milk...crap, I think the car needs gas...good thing I didn't go food shopping...what the hell am I going to make for dinner...then, there's that whole global warming thing...do I have enough money for a tip?

Or, am I the only mom, on the entire world wide web, who has to prepare herself, mentally, emotionally, sometimes even physically, just to be able to get out of the house, let alone, have to pay some stranger to help me find my sh*t?

Dayum, but we need SO MUCH more than just milk!

[cue spa muzak]

Ahhhh, but it only took me about 20 seconds to get undressed and slide my worrisome self under the crisp, warm sheets that smelled way better than mine and were also refreshingly free of dog and cat hair.

Then, I had to go pee (stupid, waterfall) but, I just tried to picture something less, you know, cascading and more of a babbling brook.

[the sound of hands rubbing together, only more oily]

Here we go.  I closed my eyes, deeply breathed in lavender, with hints of chamomile and then attempted to exhale about 2 days worth of bad karma.

Oh, crap, I forgot to shave my legs...

My mind, however, thought otherwise.

Ewwwww, I could NEVER touch someone's hairy legs...

And, so, it begins...

Oh crap, maybe I shouldn't have eaten all that sauerkraut and how DO you spell flatulence, anyway...

...because, the stressing never seems to end.

[giggle]

"Um...is everything okay, Liz?"

Huh?  Almost didn't hear her whisper. I just forget where I am, sometimes.  So, I nodded my head and tried to remember that not everyone can hear what I'm thinking (be quiet, Melisa!) like, forcing myself NOT to peek and make sure that they didn't switch masseuses' on me!

SNORT!

Boy, that Jim Carrey is SUCH a knuckle head, isn't he?

[giggle]

"Yes, yes he is..."

[eyes go wide]

Huh?  Did I say that out loud?  It's just that, I dunno, in all the tranquility, the lines between reality and constantly eluding myself, got all crossed-up, again.

Or, am I just "illuding" myself?  I forget.

"Just take your time getting up..."

 

Basking in the afterglow of massage oil...

What?  Doesn't everyone take an "after" picture, like this?  What a difference, eh?  Yes, perhaps I do look a bit mad, a tad greasy and more on the stunned-side of stunning.  Still.  What surprised me, the most, was the feeling that this, my friends, was totally worth the stress and that there is not one ounce of guilt left, anywhere on that face, whatsoever!

After all, there's a reason why they call it "massage therapy" right? 

I hope it lasts!

© 2009 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

Comments

[NYCity Mama]

This is SOOOO freaking funny cause I can TOTALLY relate!! When (emphasis on when--like in "if ever I get a chance to") I go to get a massage I always try to get the longest time I can get because I spend the first 30 minutes stressing...and yes, shaving my legs is a MUST...lol! Good for you! You glow on that after...maybe it's the sex..I mean, massage hair! lol!

[Liz@thisfullhouse]

Hey NYCity Mama,

Yep, still glowing and haven't even taken a shower in an attempt to make it last, a leetle longer :)

Hugs,

Liz

[Melisa]

It's "Tweeted", FYI. :)

You look gorgeous in the after photo too. You suck. Alright, you don't suck.

I have gone for one pro-massage (I'm lucky to have a hubby who will give me a back rub when I ask--and sometimes he'll offer--but it's not the same with Letterman in the background.). ONE. I had a hard time letting go of the stress too, but it's definitely something I am trainable on. :)

So a DIFFERENT kind of happy ending to that massage, huh? haha

[Melisa]

Oh yeah, and one more thing, cheeky monkey: are you saying I need to change my name to "Melisa with one L and one S?" How about "Melisa with one M, one E, one L, one I, one S, and one A"? haha

[Liz@thisfullhouse]

Melisa,

There's something in my brain (yes, I have one, SHUDDUP!) that cannot wrap around the fact that you spell your name funny.

Fixing it for the eleventy-hundredth time - thanks be to gosh for "edit" keys!

[Jamie]

So glad you got out and got a much deserved massage.

And yes sometimes just planning to do something fun is stressful (much like I usually need a vacation day to unwind after family vacation!) ;)