My 17yo is studying Forensics. Don't ask me why. She's majoring in art education, I think.
Also, the girl can't even squash a bug, let alone, bag a stinky old body part.
Aaaaanyway, she's a huge Bones and NCIS fan (me, too!) helllloooo David Boreanaz and Mark Harmon.
Um, what was I saying, something about body parts? Oh yeah, so I wasn't surprised that Forensics is one of her favorite classes, this year.
"We tested each others' lips, today."
[eyes go wide]
"I mean, we put on lipstick and took print samples of our lips."
She then began telling me a really funny story about how the boys have NO idea how to put on lipstick.
"They kept opening and closing their mouths, like fish."
Also, my oldest daughter is very animated when she wants to be.
"It was hard to get a good read on their lip type."
So, I began to wonder -- besides jumping to conclusions, it is my favorite form of exercise -- how many different lip types are there?
I ask Dr. Google (because, he's really smart and I'm extremely gifted at ignoring the laundry) but, all he shows me is a couple of articles on how to French kiss.
Then, I start thinking (dangerous, I know!) and remembering back to my first French kiss (his name was Fernando, I kid you not) and how I learned to kiss, through a chain link fence.
Aaaaand, my twelve-year-old self is screaming for a do-over:
- Set the scene. Make sure that the mood and time are right: yeah, because, you know, kissing through a chain link fence is painfully unromantic.
- Relax! Take a deep breath and let go of any tension in your neck and shoulders: try not to worry about kissing through a rusted old chain link fence, not to mention, whoever, or whatever else may have touched said chain link fence.
- Put your arms around the person you want to kiss: uh, chain link fence, helllloooo.
- Start off with a normal kiss, not too firm, not too aggressive. Closing your eyes is optional: but, highly recommended (see number 2 above)
- In mid kiss, gently open your mouth and softly nudge the other persons mouth open using your tongue: well, now they're just being silly, because, I know for a fact that there is nothing gentle or soft about kissing between a chain link fence.
- Again, not too aggressively, move your tongue inside the other persons mouth and playfully touch their tongue: and, for heaven sakes, loosen your hold on the chain link fence, because barbed-wire-like cuts on your palms are even harder to explain than hickeys.
- Read the other persons body language, if they seem tense or start to pull away, stop what you are doing: (see number 6 above)
- If they open their mouth more or otherwise indicate they like the kiss, keep on doing what you have been only with a little more passion: and for heaven sakes, open your eyes, he/she may just be surprised to learn that everyone on the adjacent basketball court is, you know, watching.
- As the kissing gets going saliva build up can be a problem, don't forget to swallow: that's what he said.
- Make sure you keep your tongues relaxed but your lips tight (saliva again) you don't want the kiss to turn messy: and for heaven sakes, stay away from chain link fences and basketball courts.
So, my first kissing experience wasn't all that great. Then again, I was only 12. Unless, you ask my kids.
"How old were you when you had your first kiss, Mom?"
21 AND he bought me dinner, first!
"We're doing feet, today."
[eyes go wide]
"You don't have a problem with feet, do you Mom?"
[one beat, two beats]
"Nevermind, I don't EVEN want to know!"
Stupid Dr. Google, dumbass forensics.
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