I don't scare easily. I have 4 kids, 3 of whom are teenagers, which simply means, not unlike Wolverine, I have evolved (somewhat) and grown nerves of steel, my friends: Wolvermom, if you will.
Wait, I lied.
No, not about the having 4 kids part (I have weak stomach muscles and very poor bladder control to prove it, you're welcome) and my toe nails can get freakishly long. Especially this time of....[blank stare]....uh, never mind.
Aaaaaanyway, what was I saying?
[stares at toenails]
Oh yeah, so my youngest woke up feeling sick the other day (shocking, I know!) announcing that her "stomach feels weird" and these words, my friends, frighten me even more than trying to wake my teens.
So, I called her out of school explaining "her stomach feels weird." Considering the stomach bug is currently running rampant at (and through) this particular school, enough said, right?
An hour or so later, the house phone rings.
"Your daughter Hope was marked absent, today. Please send a note explaining the reason for her absence."
Fine. Okay. Then, my cell phone rings.
"Your daughter Hope was marked absent, today...."
Fiiiiiiiiiiine, okaaaaaaay. Then, I get a text.
Really? Because, I would NEVER have known and feeling a little cranky my ownself I decided this would be a good time to get some work done, opened my email and...
A'IGHT!!! They asked for it!!!
Please excuse my daughter for being absent from school yesterday:
- She woke up announcing that her "stomach feels weird."
- I suggested maybe she just needed to go to the bathroom.
- Or maybe she was hungry.
- She proceeded to evacuate her bowels.
- For the next 10 minutes.
- Maybe it was more like 15.
- Okay, I don't really know.
- For sure.
- I know she was NOT hungry.
- Her bowel movement must have been extreme.
- As she lost all color in her face.
- Proceeded to burp.
- She ran back to the bathroom.
- Fearing an oral evacuation of epic proportions.
- I listened through the door.
- Because, I'm a joiner.
- Apparently, her bowels were not fully evacuated.
- As she tested our plumbing, on and off, for most of the morning.
- Give or take a few burps.
- So, I thought it best to keep her home.
- Considering the plumbing in your school has not been up to snuff.
- Not since Hurricane Irene, anyway.
- Aaaaand, you wouldn't want the kid to break wind in the middle of gym class.
- Would you?
- I mean, THAT sort of thing could scar a kid.
- For life.
- Trust me.
Thank you and have a nice day.
Yes, I know, I know. I really don't think that's what they meant, either. But, dang if I don't feel a whole lot less, you know, hormonal.
Note to Parents of Younger Kids: It's not always like this (you're welcome!) just, mostly.
Note to Parents of Older Kids: No, I didn't really go into such detail (DAMMIT!) but, you know I wanted to, right?
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