This Full House

When You Give a Doofus-Dawg a Watermelon

Doofus-Dawg on Watermelon 

I love my dog.  Truly, I do.  Most of the time.  He is a rescue.  They found him tied to a dumpster.  I can only imagine his life, b.u. (before us) still, there ARE pretty good reasons why we also refer to Rudolph as Doofus-Dawg (a.k.a. Pinhead) and why my husband, Garth (not his real name) texted me, while I was having dinner with the kids at my folks' house, last night.

"Wet sticky spot on living room rug, trail of dried juice on kitchen floor, watermellon gone, dish appears not to have broken, I'm not speaking to the dog."

Yes, he spelled watermelon wrong, so, I knew he WAS, you know, pretty angry.

"Where r u?"

Aaaand, I didn't answer him (right away) because, you know, I was THE ONE who left the watermelon on the counter.

"Why is the floor SO sticky?"

My son (he's 11 and, besides the dog and cat, is the ONLY boy in the house) woke up in a HORRIBLE mood, this morning.

"Rudolph ate some watermelon, last night."

Aaaand, he seems to be paying for it (see photo above) too.

"Ah, man, you kiddin' me, who left the watermelon out?"

Apparently, he wanted some.

"Um...Daddy DID!"

Relax.  One good rescue deserves another, right?  Besides, I'll tell him the truth, later (maybe) suffice it to say, I'm the one that has to live with the boy, for the next 8 hours, or so.

"AH, MAN!!!"

School starts tomorrow...THANKGAWD...stupid dog!!!

© 2010 This Full House / This Full House Gone Shopping

Monday Morning With Doofus-Dawg: Well, it WAS morning the last times ahs-looked, anyways!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWN!  D'oh, hello...eyes didn't sees yous come in all quiet like.

[smacks lips]

Mah name is Doofus-dog.

Ma ain'ts at her desk, right now and...d'oh...she ask-did me to...uh...excuse me a minute, puh-leeze.

BARK-BARK-WOOF-BARKITY-WOOF-WOOF!

D'oh, sorry 'bout that.  Ah hates squirrels.  Don'ts yous?  Anyways.  Ma ain'ts here, ah think and...um...d'oh yeah...ah remember now.

WOOF-WOOF-BARK-WOOFITY-BARK-BARK!

Stupid squirrels!

D'oh, aaaanyways, Ma is a bear...um...buffallo...no, that ain'ts it...wait, ah remember now...she's a bee...uh...she's be busier than a cat covering up poop on a cee-ment floor, right now...d'oh...whatever that means.

SCRATCH-SCRATCH-SCRATCH!

"Cawse ahs knows, and yous knows cats is stoopid.

SNORT!

D'oh, hello...wait a minute...do ah know yous?

[heavy sigh]

D'oh yeah, ah remember now...um...ah'm supposed to tell yous that too-mahr-raws another day...d'oh...that's naught right, either...'cause, everybody knows too-mahr-raws the today that yous forgot all about yesterdays.

SNORT!

Nah, hers 'puter brokedid aaaaay-ghenn (NO, AH DID NAUGHT BROKEDIDIT!!!) but, she's busy plannin' some-in, 'cawse some-ins happenins the day after too-mahr-raws and that some-ins gonna REAL GOOD, too..brokedid 'puter or naught!

AAAAAHWOOO!

D'oh, hello...wait a minute...do ah knows yous?

YAAAAAAAAAAAWN!

D'oh, oh yah, well, I hopes yous had a real nice Monday and if yous did'n...well...there's always too-mahr-raw and...shee-yah...theys plenty more room on dis-heres couch.

BARK-BARK-WOOF-BARKITY-WOOF-WOOF

Have a nice day, too-mahr-raws!

© 2009 This Full House Blog - All Rights Reserved.

A Time For Us, Maybe, Sometime Soon, Text Me!

My husband, Garth [not his real name] absolutely loved this edible arrangement he got from my brother and sister-in-law, for his birthday, last weekend.

What did I give him?

A reason to remember the beginning of his 47th year, here on earth, as perhaps one the worst mornings of his life -- oh, and by the way, Happy Birthday!

Yep, am I a ray of sunshine...or, what? 

Don't answer that!  Honestly, I feel terrible about fighting...on...his...birthday...but, he followed me into the bathroom and, this time, it wasn't to see if I was using his razor (AGAIN!) in an attempt to save a layer of skin, or two.

Mine and his.

Long story, short (you're welcome) everything that NEEDED to be said, was and, well, turns out we both felt we were working too hard to try and please each other and, guess what?

[one beat, two beats]

All work and no play make for real unhappy parents and Garth [not his real name] was JUST as tired, burnt out and frustrated, as I was, go figure.

"Let's not talk about it, anymore."

Seriously, I really do know when to shut up...sometimes...and, well, it could have gotten worse.

"Are you and daddy getting a divorce?"

Aaaaand, it did...real fast...DANGIT...because, my 14 year-old was supposedly getting something from her bathroom and, well, it's certainly not her fault the walls in this house are really, really thin, and she accidently overheard OUR ENTIRE CONVERSATON, right?

"That's none of your business!"

[cue sunshine]

Seriously, I really do know how to light up a room and, if I had to be real honest with myself (because, you know, I lie like a cheap rug) our lack of privacy is no one else's fault, but ours, I guess.

Still, the bathroom is MY fortress of solitude, DANGIT!

"We argue sometimes, that's all."

We wiped our eyes, he vacuumed the rugs...what?  Our parents were coming over and, well, he IS secretly having an affair with our Dyson (I think) and, well, can you blame him?  I don't.  Deep down inside, I know that it will get better.  It HAS to.

"Send me something sexy, from the waist down."

Aaaaand, it did...real fast...THANKYOUVERYMUCH...because, my husband is really a funny guy...especially, when he text messages me...in the middle of doing laundry.

Happy Belated Birthday, you sexy beast!!!

So, I sent him a little somethin-somethin and, well, we really do make a great pair; don'cha think?

© 2010 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

I'm a Little Bit Sassy, He's a Whole Lot of Doofus

Helloooooooow, my name is Sassy.  Doofus-Dawg isn't here, right now.  Why?  Uh.  Good question. 

[looks left, looks right]

Beeeeeeeecawse.  Um.  I ate him, yeah.

[snarl] 

As if, right?

Actually, his mommy put him in a time out.  I mean, I told him NOT to eat the garbage this morning.  But, you know, he's a DOOFUS and, well, I'm not. 

DER!

Aaaaaaaaayway, Doofus-Dawg's mommy is letting me sleepover, for a little while (i.e. what, in human terms is, like, I dunno, 2 weeks, or something, I think) while my mommy and daddy are on vacation, without me (DAMMIT!) and, you know, I kinda, sort like it here.

There's lots of little humans, running around, ready to rub my belly and play with me and, well, what's one more, right?

So, c'mon in.  Sit down!  The couch gots these real BIG mooshable pillows and, well, Doofus-Dawg is kinda sort not tawking to me, at the moment.

[sniff]

See?  His mommy says he's just a little jealous, or something.  Me?  I think he's maybe even a little scared of me, too.

'Cawse, you know, I can be real scary, sometimes.

[snarl]

See?  Friggin' frightening, right?  So, don't make me have to use UPPERGROWL, okay? 

Oh, and you have yourself a nice day.  If anybody tells you different, just send them to me.

Why?

'Cawse, like Doofus-Dawg's mommy, I'm a Jersey girl and, well, she woke up with a real bad headache and is pretty p.o.'d at Doofus, at the moment, so I don't wanna have to make her Monday any ruffer than it has to be, ya' know?

[snarl]

Stupid Doofus-Dawg!

 

© 2010 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

Wordless Wednesday: 365 Days - Just Another Sick Day

Another snapshot courtesy of my 365 Days microblog project -- where I'm taking a self-imposed timeout, every day, to post wordless (you're welcome!)

Check out the Official Wordless Wednesday HQ
Tag, you're it: Wordless Wednesday  

Also, I'm letting it ALL hang out on Flickr

© 2010 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

Movers, Shakers and (sometimes inadvertent) Garbage Pickers

I'm an impulsive mover.  I move things.  From here, to there, or maybe it will look better in THAT corner.

If I had a dollar, for every time my husband, Garth [not his real name] came home to find the house looking a little, you know, different?  Hmph.  Well, the poor guy could use a pair of industrial strength shin guards!

"YOUCH, when DID THIS get in here!?!?"

I'd be doing dishes (yes, dishwasher is STILL broken) and I'll be staring out the kitchen window, when, all of a sudden, it would hit me.

"Maybe the kitchen table would look better in the dining room?"

It's a sickness, I know.

"We'll be there, tomorrow, between 12 and 3."

So, I, once again, ignored the growing pile of clean laundry (don't try this at home, I AM A PROFESSIONAL!) and continued to deny the fact that the holidays have been over for, like the last two weeks (it's gonna be a Valentine's tree) and started, you know, moving stuff.

From here, to there, etc... (desk looks like a television hutch, because, you know, it was) to make room for a new couch!

[heart's all a flutter]

I've been saving up for this baby (yes, with MY own money) and FINALLY bought one (yes, with REAL money) with the intention of cozey-ing-up our game-slash-laundry-slash-media-slash-mom's hideout-slash-playroom.

"I'll MAKE IT fit!"

Did I mention, the room is cozy, or that the doorway, to get in, is even, you know, a cozier fit?

"It ain't gonna fit through that door, lady."

Der.  I know.  That's why I spent the rest of the morning, cleaning up after the dawg (two whole hanging baskets full of Doofus-dung, thank goodness it was frozen, you're welcome!) so that the delivery dudes could bring Molly (we name our cars, too)  through the back door.

"Mierda!"

Now, I don't remember much of my high school Spanish (brain cells are at a premium, these days) how-evuh, I do speak several languages...of POOP!

Long story, short (you're welcome) Miss Molly fit right in and it's as if I designed the room around her, right?

Riiiiight.  Color my decorating style as, "sheer dumb luck," whatever, sometimes, change is good -- I am THRILLED with the end result and, well, guess where I'm spending the rest of MY morning?

Go ahead, I'll wait.

 

Aaaaaand, YES, I am totally ignoring the fact that I forgot to lock the cabinet and Doofus-Dawg got into the garbage, AGAIN!!!

[heavy sigh]

Some things NEVER change, stupid dawg!

© 2010 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

Monday Morning With Doofus-Dawg: Mama Always DID Like Me Best!

D'oh, Ah loves it when Mama does that...

Mah moms is not heres, right now and...d'oh...excuse me a minute, puh-leeze.

BARK-BARK-WOOF-BARKITY-WOOF-WOOF!

D'oh, sorry 'bout that.  Ah hates squirrels.  Don't yous?  Anyways.  Mah moms is not heres, I think and...um...d'oh yeah...ah remembers now.

[heavy sigh]

Ah loves that pit-cher of me...you know...d'oh, Doofus-Dawg and Mama.

[blank stare]

D'oh, yeah, ah remembers, now...hers is mah mom's...you know...dad and ...d'oh...that's naught right, either...'cause, everybodies knows dads are lots hairy and gots long ears, like me.

SNORT!

D'oh...aaaaaanyways...so, mah moms wuz out visitin' with her moms and dads on Sundays...uh...ah think it was yesterdays...d'oh...aaaaaanyhow...hers done took the girls someplace and ah spendid the day...all alones...with mah dads and the boy!

BARK-BARK-WOOF-BARKITY-WOOF-WOOF

Boys rawk, for realz!

[heavy sigh]

Aaaaanyways, mah moms gots home real late, like it was dark and times to goes to sleeps kinda late, for realz.

AH-WHOO!

Mah moms was soooooo tired, hers beated up dads...uh...do'h, that's naught right, either...d'oh, ah know...dad said hers was all beated up.

SNIFF-SNIFF-SCRATCH-SCRATCH!

Moms was upset and ah thinks hers looks awful sad, for realz.

[blank stare]

Do'h, but ah cants understands a word hers and dads spitted up....d'oh, that's naught right, either...they talkdid some see-ree-us stuff bouts Mama and Papa...oh, and mah other favorite human, Uncle Bud and...d'oh...ah just cants seem to make mah moms feels happy, anymores.

[heavy sigh]

D'oh yeah, ah remember now...um...ah gots to tell yous that hers cants comes out to plays, no mores...d'oh...that's naught right, either...'cause, everybodies knows mah moms likes yous, best.

GRRRRRRRRRR

Buuuut, ah knows whats best for hers and, well, hers needs somebodies to throw her a bone, or somethin', is all.

SNIFF-SNIFF-SCRATCH-SCRATCH!

Soooooo, seein as ah ates mine...d'oh...bone, ah mean...ah am goins to chase everybodies away from mah house!

BARK-BARK-WOOF-BARKITY-WOOF-WOOF

Things lots hairy, wif long ears and stupid squirrels, ah mean.

GRRRRRRRRRR

D'oh, oh yah, and have nice Monday...'cause...shee-yah..you can tell it Doofus-Dawg said so.

BARK-BARK-WOOF-BARKITY-WOOF-WOOF

You're welcome!

© 2009 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

Monday Morning With Doofus-Dawg: Ah Ate an Apple and Ah Liked It!

 

D'oh, good mornin'...welcome to the dawg house.

Mah mom is not heres, right now and...d'oh...excuse me a minute, puh-leeze.

BARK-BARK-WOOF-BARKITY-WOOF-WOOF!

D'oh, sorry 'bout that.  Ah hates some peoples, sometimes.  Don't yous?  Anyways.  Mah mom is not heres, I think and...um...d'oh yeah...ah remembers now.

[heavy sigh]

Er...rum...ah...nuh...ah's in troubles, again.

[blank stare]

D'oh, yeah, ah remembers, now...ah tried to eat the garbage man...d'oh...that's naught right, either...'cause, everybody knows peoples tastes funny.

SNORT!

D'oh, ah tried to eat the garbage, again...[sneeze]...but, mah mom made it so ah can'ts git to it, anymores.

AH-WHOO!

Stupid child locks -- ifs ah only had thumbs.

SNORT!

D'oh...aaaaaanyways...so, when theys wuz out visitin' with Mama and Papa, yesterdays...uh...ah think it was yesterdays...d'oh...aaaaaanyhow...ah was mad theys left me home...all alones...with the stupid catz...AGAIN!.

BARK-BARK-WOOF-BARKITY-WOOF-WOOF

Catz are mean, for realz!

[heavy sigh]

Sooooo, ah ate one of them thar apples mom keeps on the dinin' room tables and, you knows, ahs liked it!

AH-WHOO!

For realz.  Theys call it granny fanny...do'h, that's naught right, either...wil smith, maybe...d'oh, ah know...it wuz one of them thar granny smiths and ah like it, lots!

[burp]

Excuse me, puh-leeze.

[pfff-ffft]

D'oh, sorry 'bout that.  Ah hates it when apples do that.  Don't yous?

SNIFF-SNIFF-SCRATCH-SCRATCH!

Mah mom asked me tell somebody called Marvin...d'oh...that's naught right, either...d'oh, I remember now.

[blank stare]

Carmen...YAH-YAH!...mah mom made a cake...wif apples in it...and said yous wanted some...'cawse yous gots lots of apples at yous house, too...do'h, but ah can'ts come over...right now.

BARK-BARK-WOOF-BARKITY-WOOF-WOOF

Ah gots to keep the stupid peoples away from mah house...d'oh...but, mah mom said you's can haz her peas...do'oh...that's naught right, either...hers said yous can make mom's apple spice cake...and eats it, too!

Here yous goes:

PHEW! Smells Like Human!

This is my chair.  At the end of the day, when the light begins to fade and the last dish is washed (yes, stupid Bosch is STILL broken, DAMMIT) I remain patient, waiting for that final moment of release, as I breath deep, exhale and slip deep into my chair.

"What the?"

I can hear Cesar Millan, whispering, right now.

"Wait a minute! You paid for your house! You go to work to pay for that couch and that bed, and yet you can’t use it because it “belongs” to the dog? Something’s very wrong there. If this describes you, then it’s time to take back your own home."

Fine.  So, now what?

"You must feel in your bones that you are the pack leader in the house, and project that calm-assertive energy."

Yeah, but, see, in my house, calm and assertive just don't mix.

"If you assert true leadership, your dog will not be sad, or hate you, or resent you, even if you take back the place on the sofa."

Yeah, but, see, sad eyes just kill me.

"Having a leader is hardwired into your dog’s brain – that’s what he both needs and wants."

Yeah, but.

"Take advantage of that and go ahead, sit on your couch again!"

Okay, seeing as your the expert and all.

"But you have to really mean it."

FINE!

"GET OFF THE COUCH!!!"

Aaaand, I NEVER saw 4 kids, move so fast, in my life.

Morale of the Story:  Jerry Seinfeld is right -- dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? 

SHUTUP, Cesar!

© 2009 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

Monday Morning with Doofus-Dog: 'Cawse Dogs Are Perfect, While Parents Are, Well, You Know!

 

D'oh, hello...mah name is Doofus-dog.

Mommy is not at her desk, right now and...d'oh...she asked me to...uh...excuse me a minute, puh-leeze.

BARK-BARK-WOOF-BARKITY-WOOF-WOOF!

D'oh, sorry 'bout that.  Ah hates squirrels.  Don't you?  Anyways.  Mommy is not here, I think and...um...d'oh yeah...ah remember now.

WOOF-WOOF-BARK-WOOFITY-BARK-BARK!

Stupid squirrels!

D'oh, aaaanyways, she's a little under the...um...couch...no, that's naught it...wait, ah remember now...she's under the...uh...wood chipper...d'oh...NO!...she's a little under the weather, that's right...d'oh...whatever that means.

SCRATCH-SCRATCH-SCRATCH!

D'oh, hello...wait a minute...do ah know you?

[heavy sigh]

D'oh yeah, ah remember now...um...ah'm supposed to tell you that you can always go visit her at someplace called The Imperfect Dawg...d'oh...that's naught right, either...'cause, everybody knows dawgs are perfect.

SNORT!

D'oh yeah, ah remember now...uh...she done did write something for the Imperfect Parent, today and...d'oh...gots something up at some place called Mamapedia, or something, too.

AH-WHOO!

D'oh, oh yah, and have nice Monday...'cause...shee-yah..you can tell it Doofus-dog said so.

BARK-BARK-WOOF-BARKITY-WOOF-WOOF

You're welcome!

© 2009 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.