My husband, Garth (not his real name) has a lot of stuff on his plate at work. So, When it comes to taking care of the stuff here in the house, the kids and I have this one unspoken rule: if it is NOT broken, don't try to fix it. And if it is broken, then for the LOVE of all the things that mom let's YOU get away with, do NOT tell your father.
Because, more often than not, I was the one who probably broke it AND that is precisely when the "unspoken" part of the rule would come into play.
Long story, short (seriously, I love you guys THAT much!) we've done A LOT of this, lately:
Even longer story, short (this is the part where you begin to understand exactly WHY my husband does NOT allow me to use his real name and then start to feel VERY thankful that you do NOT have to live with me, you're welcome!): our house phone hasn't been working right (like in, not at all) since forever.
The phone line shows in use, although it is not, so incoming calls are not getting through to the phone (it rings through for the caller, the phone does not ring on our end), but the calls ARE showing up on our caller i.d., which seems to be working fine on our television, judging by the kids hollering THE NAME of whoever happens to be calling at the time, because of course.
Fun times, my friends. Aaaaaanyway. The phone guy was here last week and declared our phone lines #FUBAR, because OF COURSE! And, after seeing signs of an on-going renovation (although longtime readers will already know that it's been going on for the last 20 years, but whatever), he insisted that we could probably save the $100 bucks and just have Garth (not his real name) fix it.
Which, in my mind, I'm hearing as:
- We could save some money.
- Instead of bleed money.
- Because, quite frankly, with another kid looking at colleges AND taking into consideration the laws of #FUBAR...dude...we are ALL bled out.
- But, we could actually save some money.
- And maybe my husband will feel good about having fixed something, himself.
- Oh, and we could save some money.
So then, GarthNHRN surprised me by taking the day off from work on Friday...to do just that...okay, maybe not. Still. It was super-great timing on his part, RIGHT?!?
And then, I decided to do a speed clean, while he showered, because I am super-efficient like that AND a dazzlingly-clean floor helps to distract people from noticing all the sheetrock (feel free to use that tip, btw!) until I noticed the loose tile behind the door and then found the hole in the floor.
We took in some water damage during Hurricane Irene (and then the house took another hit during Superstorm Sandy), but what we didn't realize is the sub-flooring had gotten squishy in sections by the door and, well, #FUBAR!!!
Aaaaand, it took ALL my strength NOT to enforce the "unspoken" rule and show my husband.
He took it better than I thought, although I could almost hear his brain screech to a halt and see the hair that hadn't already turned gray...go white...so, I enforced the "one thing at a time" rule and we decided to focus on fixing the phone line...because #FUBAR!!!
We then headed to our home away from home...Home Depot.
"I need to get a new staple gun, because you broke mine."
Actually, NO!!! I broke my husband's electric staple gun, but that was YEARS ago!!! And I know...FOR A FACT...that he decided to replace it with a non-electrical staple gun...after I nearly electrocuted myself...by accident.
Pro-Dork Tip: metal screening and electric do NOT mix.
I actually said that...OUT LOUD...to the amusement of a couple of contractors and such...and if you ARE a contractor, you really should be shopping with us at Home Depot (or Lowes, we're easy) because, #FUBAR!!!
And then GarthNHRN reached for the non-electrical staple gun.
"It used to look like this one!"
But, I still insisted it couldn't have been me who broke it, because I couldn't even squeeze the trigger handle hard enough on THIS one to use it...aaaaaaaaand...oh, wait.
[eyes go wide]
Here's another Pro-Dork Tip: using a hammer on a staple gun, to help bang the trigger handle down on the staple gun, WILL break the staple gun.
Right. So. If anyone needs me, I'll be waiting for ANOTHER repairman...in the floor behind the front door...most likely.
[cue Walter, laughing]
And for those of you too young to understand the reference to the blog title, here ya' go:
Oh, and just so you know, GarthNHRN was able to fix the phone line, 6 hours and $150 later...stupid phone guy, dumbass squishy floors.
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