This Full House

Got Teens: Then, you NEED to be reading my blog!

My friend Jenn - whom I love dearly and needs coffee, like most mommies I know - has another thought provoking post (dammit!) about teens and the parents who blog about them.  Namely, me.  Because, you know, I am a mom, with teens, tweens, a precocious seven-year-old and I happen to keep a blog.  Or, two.

Why?

Well, it's like told Jenn:

"I've been blogging for 5 years now (4 kids all under the age of 10, 'nuf said) and, yes...the stories have changed...a little...but, it's still OUR story and I don't write about anything that I (or, my kids) would be uncomfortable sharing, in real life.

Although, my kids are in school full-time, my job is far from being done. I will have TWO teenagers, in a couple of months (ACK!) and personally, I feel that being their mom has become even harder.

However, my reasons for keeping This Full House remain the same - blogging is cheaper than therapy!"

Then, one of my kids goes and bleeds all over herself and what if I told you that the first thing I did was Twitter it?

This Is My Early Morning Singing Song!

Gliddy glub gloopy
Nibby nabby noopy
La la la lo lo...

I'm not a morning person.  I'm a mommy, you know what I mean?  Still.  My husband Garth (not his real name) couldn't care less if I woke up, tomorrow, decided to shave my head and start referring to myself as:

"Hello, my name is Starshine and I AM Mr. Clean's bitch!"

I'm telling you, as weird as it sounds, he'd STILL think I'm sexy.

Why?

Because, my husband is really NOT all that interested in what's going on with my head - yes, he is a very smart man - but, he HAS sung praises of his love for me...from the neck down...many, many times.

New Jersey Moms Blog Launched, Today!

Last month, I was asked by the lovely Jill Asher (co-founder of Silicon Valley Moms Group) if I'd be interested in writing for an upcoming new sister site, for New Jersey mom bloggers.

"Hey, you know, I'm from Jersey!"

Well, yah...and DUH!

Today, I am thrilled to tell you that the site has officially launched and...GUESS WHAT...I even got to write the introduction:

Beware: Bitch Session in Progress - Hold my calls and mind all the empty margarita glasses.

My mom had double-knee replacement surgery, last year (yes, it's just as icky as it sounds) and her and dad have had one medical challenge after another, since then.

Life goes like that, sometimes - beautiful one minute, filled with suckage the rest.

It's okay, though.  I sort of imagine life as a giant 50 foot female, all hopped up on too much caffeine and experiencing a bad hair day, and expect it will probably try to bite me in the ass, more than once.

Today, most especially, she is going to be a total BITCH!

Beware: Mommy on Duty - Hold my calls and mind the middle child.

When Thing One was born, my husband and I couldn't wait to bring her home and welcomed our new roles, as mother and father to our brand new baby daughter, celebrating each milestone of "firsts" with equal amounts of enthusiasm and trepidation.

Then, I became pregnant with Thing Two and - though, I couldn't wait and called my husband, at work, and gave him the results of the pregnancy test, while in the middle of a meeting with a client - I soon started to worry whether or not I was ready to separate myself from being "the world" to Thing One and having to share, well, pretty much everything, from my toes up, with TWO babies!?!

Soon, my fears were put to rest and the mommy in me sort of just, you know, kicked into high gear and there seemed to be plenty of me to go around.

Until, they grew up and NOW my husband Garth (not his real name) and I combine our super parental powers and it takes every bit of that strength...NOT to bite their little heads off.

Picture Perfect Thursday: Attack of the Smiley Fries

I am NOT a morning person and my husband is...well, let me just tell you...he's like a fluffy little bird happily twittering about in the early morning sunshine - scary, I know - needless to say, we go to great lengths to stay out of each other's way and try not to, you know, talk...too much.

"Coffee?"

He hands me a hot steaming mug filled with the sweet elixir of life, as I stumble off to the shower.

"Herumpfuh."

Then, feeds the animals.  I mean, the pets.  The kids are old enough to fend for themselves, thank you.

"Turkey, roast beef or peanut butter?"

Also, makes their lunches.

"Nope, uh-huh, I don't think so and NO, because you just bought yesterday!"

And fields any (and all) of their questions - although, the children have not yet appreciated the fact that, in doing so, their father HAS saved them from encounters with the beast, that is their mother - bless his squishy heart.

By dinnertime, it's a whole different story!

"Beer?"

So, he's a morning person and I'm...well, let me just tell you...I'm like a night owl.  All bug-eyed and barrel-chested, with nerves jumping and ready for bear.

"Himumpfuh"

Seriously, at the end of the day, the man is an absolute grump!

"Oh, no...look out!"

Especially, when I do something totally unexpected and scare the bees-juice out of him!

"WHAT!?!?!"

[eyes go wide]

"The...the...smiley fries!"

I grabbed his tie, pulled him closer and pointed toward the kitchen counter.

"They...are...ATTACKING!"

"They're coming to get you, Daddy!"

[rolls eyes]

"Stop it, you're being STUPID!"

"They're coming for you, Daddy!"

[cracks a smile]

"Okay, now you're JUST weird."

"They're coming for YOU!"

[bites lower lip]

"Shhhh, the kids are watching!"

"Look, there comes one of them now!"

[frowning]

"Stop it, they'll hear you!"

"Here he comes now...GAH...I'm getting OUTTA OF HERE!"

I was able to crack through that tough-Daddy shell of his and I ask you, how could he NOT smile!?!

"I...LOVE...yooooou!"

Honestly, with fries like these, what's NOT to love?

"Now, where's my beer?"

So, I guess what I'm saying is, contrary to popular opinion, opposites really DO attract - it's what helps keep the spice in our marriage, anyways - unfortunately, I must have commanded a little too much of The Boy's attention, for once.

"Daaaaaaady!"

Garth (not his real name) got up with him, last night - bless his squishy heart - because, The Boy very rarely calls out for, you know, me.

"Coming, Buddy!"

Go figure.

"Coffee?"

But, this time, it was ME who got up with the pets, made the lunches, etc...

"Himumpfuh."

So, you see, it all works out in the end.

"What's for dinner, tonight?"

[giggle]

"Swedish meatballs!"

[eyes go wide]

"Oooooh, I can't wait!"

What?

[shrugs shoulders]

Yes, there's only 6 more sleeps until Christmas and it's a stressful time for everyone.

"Momma, I don't feel so...[gulp]...BLAAAAAH!"

Especially, when yet other one of your kids wakes up sick and pukes all over the breakfast table...AGAIN!

"Herumpfuh!"

What; you want fries with that?

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Submitted to:

Carnival of Family Life

If the shoe fits, then you're right, I'm mean and it's probably NOT my shoe, anyway.

Yesterday, was Mikulas Day - December 6th is when the Hungarian Santa, or St. Nicholas visits children and leaves his gifts - and the kids were excited to wake up and find their shoes filled with chocolates, candy and a new Christmas mug.

"Whoa, you guys ARE sooooo lucky!"

Even through the very nasal tone, I recognized it to be my son's voice and waited, along with everyone else, for The Boy to explain, except Mini-me.

"Nuh-uh; I got the same stuff, YOU did!"

My two oldest girls are 14 and nearly 12 - they have done this before and understand how it works - and having dealt with "the creeping crud" this week, I still wasn't feeling very well, so, I was happy to hear Thing One and Thing Two intervene on Mikulas' behalf and just sort of, you know, listened from upstairs.

"Mini-me is right, nobody got anymore than anyone else."

Then, I heard someone stomp their foot.

"Noooo, I know THAT!"

Judging from the tone, I assumed it was The Boy.

"I mean, she hasn't been very good, pretty bad, actually and she's just lucky she didn't get any coal!"

D'oh, and there went any thoughts of my sleeping in.

"Hey, KNOCK IT OFF down there!"

I know - yelling at the kids first thing in the morning on Mikulas Day, and all - but at least it shut them up and long enough, you know, for me to kick the dog off the bed, get some feeling back into my legs and crawl downstairs.

"That wasn't a very nice thing to say, Sweetie."

Even though it's, you know, true.  Being 4th in line - not to mention, cute as she is - my youngest daughter, unfortunately, has learned a lot watching her older sisters and brother, which means she knows just how to get her way, by getting on everyone's nerve, quicker and is way smarter than I am.

"Yah, kind of wude, too and you should take away his choc-wits and teach him a wesson!"

Mini-me has been a pill, lately.

"No, I don't think what The Boy said was THAT bad, really!"

He stomped his foot - yep, I was right! - but, this time, The Boy's voice was way louder, than mine.

"I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT THE GIRLS!"

Huh?

"I was talking about you, Mom!"

HUH, wait a minute...and...WHAT!?!?

"You haven't been a very nice Mommy."

Yeah, well, are we ever?  Besides, I didn't fight Garth (not his real name) when he gave them ALL a mental day off, yesterday - a perk for bringing home very good report cards - but, I was sick and then he went to work...oh, and...SO!?!?

"But, Mikulas only cares about YOU kids!"

[eyes go wide]

"Yeah, but Thing One used one of YOUR shoes!"

[sound of crickets]

"I don't think Mikulas know-dit!"

Oh, how the kids laughed and I just sort of, you know, went back to bed, but not before speaking up for all us, mean Moms.

"See, I guess even Mikulas knows that Mommy's need a break and that even HE can make mistakes, sometimes!"

Besides, Thing One and I DO wear the same size and clearly, if he'd known the shoe fit, Mikulas would have left Vodka!

[blank stare]

TGIF, everyone - if anyone needs me, I'll be upstairs, coughing up a lung and tending to a very sick little Mini-me.

Stupid shoes!

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Mommy Bloggers' Holiday: What happens in Dulles, stays in Dulles!

"Flying to the west coast," was all my email said, as I was hoping for a little company...you know...a familiar face in a sea of happy-go-lucky-park-hopping strangers...and my dear friend and fellow mommyblogger, Donna (a.k.a. Socal Mom) rose to the occasion!

We had ourselves a virtual Mommy Bloggers' Holiday, for real (she tells the story, so well) and we tore that park up with laughter and squeals of...OMG, how fast does this ride go...not to mention, my kids are totally going to hate me for this...I had a BLAST!

Donna took a picture of me - yes, we wear a lot of black...in Jersey - and I do NOT believe I've ever looked so...sunny...or, this relaxed...in a long time!

But, wait until you hear what happened, after...Donna!

I got up bright and early the next morning - okay, it was cloudy and I thought it never rained in southern California - and nearly hugged my driver at the front of the hotel.

"You mean, you actually bought me a bottle of water?"

I swear, you California people are way too healthy - they actually had fresh fruit and flavored water kiosks - and I only found one stand selling churros, in Disneyland!?!?

Guess what snack I picked?

"Ooooh, candy!"

The driver told me that there was more water in the car, if I wanted...but, I was too busy sucking on peppermint to answer...or, care.

"We're you headed?"

I told him I was headed home to the east coast...via, Houston.

"Too bad I've got about 15 minutes to catch my next plane, I would have called my friend, Jenn, and I bet we coulda raised a little h...e...double hockey sticks, yes?"

He didn't know; he wasn't quite sure what a mommyblogger was and he'd never been to Houston!

"That's okay, maybe next time!"

Because, I sat next to the two most...BORING...men, in the world - they were from Texas - and I couldn't wait to get myself on the next plane and home to my babies. I missed each of them - yes, I even had thoughts of kissing Garth (not his real name) heavily, on my mind - and counted the hours, eagerly.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking."

Uh-oh.

"We've been circling Newark for the passed 30 minutes and are running low on fuel..."

D'OH!

"...so, we've been diverted to Dulles, to refuel..."

Phew!

"...and, hopefully, we'll be good to land in Newark...um...shortly."

We were scheduled to land at 10:10 p.m. and it was already 11:00 p.m. - being on a plane since noon - the day had turned way too long, already. No matter. I was having a good time.

"So, what do you think was the best Disney movie, EVER!?!?"

Personally, the kids and I still enjoy watching Toy Story and absolutely loved The Incredibles!

"Uh, ladies and gentlemen..."

Now what?

"...we seem to be having an experience."

Boy, did we have fun with that one!

"What do you think he really means, by experience?"

Being way in the back of the plane - sitting in the last row - it was hard to say.

"One of our passengers is having a moment..."

Oh, okay.

"...and we're waiting for the authorities..."

Riiiiight.

"...to escort him OFF the plane."

Well, then good.

"Look, there's an ambulance!"

We all crane our necks and ignore the pleas of the flight attendants - as if, we were NOT on the verge of a riot, already - to get a good look.

"OMG...there he is..."

And I couldn't believe that I actually squealed, with delight.

"...and I think he's NAKED!"

Yep, like a newborn baby...only bigger...and balder...and...well, the rest I'm really trying hard...to forget.

"He's letting himself into the ambulance..."

As calm as can be, thank you very much.

"...and he's closing the doors!"

Apparently, Mr. Phys-co-in-first-class wasn't very happy about being delayed, either, and felt it necessary to get naked in Dulles!

"Man, that was so worth the divert!"

Me, not so much - how we laughed, and laughed - and we were still giggling, even after landing about 1:30 a.m.

"OMG...you're still here!?!?"

The driver was standing there - all wide-eyed and what the hey - and this time, I hugged him!

"So, where you headed?"

What, no candy?

"Well, figuring we're getting home at about 3:00 a.m...straight into my husbands arms and then right to bed!"

[raises eyebrows]

"I mean, I've got two soccer games, this morning...sheesh!"

Though, it was worth it - both Mini-me and The Boy scored a goal - it was a lovely mommybloggers' holiday and what happened in Dulles...well, consider it a perk.

"Momma...I feel sick...BELCH...BLAAAH!"

Doncha wish you had a life, like me!?!

Forgive her, Lord for she is from the North and prays only for some sleep.

I have a confession to make - hang on to your hoodies, it's not like that - but, I hesitate to mention my love for hotel rooms, because...well...does anyone else get a kick out of being able to sleep in a gorgeously made up bed (read: crispy white linens and matching pillows) and then come back at the end of the day to find your room cleaned, picked up and your bed ready for some major snuggling!?!?

Me, too and - if it weren't for a minor snafu - judging by the inaugural go-ahead-and-hop-your-butt-up-on-there test and the overall fluff-factor, I suspect spending an entire night sleeping in it would have been real nice, too! Although, my husband seems to feel that my waking him in the middle of the night, screaming in pain, and then having to rush me to the local hospital (read:  where the hell are we anyway...and...I don't care...WHAT is the easiest to get to!?!?) as more that just, you know, a snafu.

"The virus is attacking her internal organs and working it's way through her intestines, so the pain should get better, before it gets any worse."

Swell.

"Rest assured, her gallbladder is fine, both kidneys are functioning normally and we're about 99% sure it has NOT infected her appendix, but we'd like her stay the night."

How nice, they must really like me.

"Where ya'll planning on doin'?"

Well, we were on our way home and - though, I haven't been feeling well and not eating much the whole trip - I just had to stop in Old Town and have dinner, because...well, stupid is as stupid does.

"Look, I do love it here and all...everyone is really nice...but, please don't take this the wrong way...I just want to get home to my babies and sleep in my own bed, tonight!"

A couple of bags of saline, a muscle relaxer, a shower, a few more prescriptions for good measure and nearly 24 hours, later we are home and we are BOTH doing well - my husband doesn't like it much that I'm sick and still blogging, either - but, don't worry, I hear my bed calling and Garth (not his real name) is taking real good care of me and the kids.

He's good, like that!

In the meantime - please, feel free to clean off a chair, sit down and talk amongst yourselves - if anyone needs me, I'll be upstairs, thanking my lucky stars, clutching my mid-section and praying for some sleep!

Summer Vacation: As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs - Day 28

Thing Two had her 11-year-well-visit, today - okay, so we're 6 months late, again - and I guess the main reason we've been putting it off so long is...

[shivers]

I absolutely HATE needles.

[burps in mouth, a little]

.
Always have, always will.

Taking my kids for their shots is never easy and I think most parents would tend to agree with me on this point (no pun intended) but, insisting that they go through something as traumatic and unpleasant as, GULP, getting a shot in the arm with a very sharp object...well, it's painful!

Taking care of sick parents...sucks wet poodle.

Last week, I called my folks and offered to take my father for the second round of his pain management shots and I swear, you could hear a pin drop.

Hello?

"Uh...no...um...nuh-uh...that's okay, you don't have to come...really...we'll be fine."

It's not that they didn't want me to be there, or anything.

"Besides, you have your hands full, already!"

After all, I did live with them for 25 years - they know.

"We can handle it, this time, without you and don't want you to worry."

Too late - they had me at "handle it" and "without you" - basically, my nerves are shot.

"How are your parents?"

GAH!

The pediatrician was swabbing one of Thing Two's arms and - after my daughter asked that we try and distract her from the shots and talk about, you know, something else - she spoke and I nearly fell out of my chair and peed my pants, a little.

What - appliances are exploding all around me and even the smallest things are setting my world on fire - I'm a little tense, okay!?!

"Oh...well, they're...um...they're haaaaaaang...ing...in...HOLY CATS!"

I grabbed Thing Two's hand in both of mine, put my forehead against hers and closed my eyes.

"Don't look, baby!"

One alligator, two alligators, three alligators...

"Done!"

...four alligators...five alligators...

"Mrs. Thompson?"

I motioned with my hand for her to give me a second, or two.

"There...that wasn't too bad...good job, sweetie!"

[eyes go wide]

"No, but now my hand hurts like crazy!"

I'm telling you, it's amazing - what a good few seconds of absolutely nothing, will do for a person like, you know, me - and I felt really, you know, good.

"Okay, one down and three more to go!"

[burp]

Actually, Thing Two decided to get two of her shots now and the other two, later.

"No problem, I can always bring her back during Mini-me's well-visit, next week."

[eyes go wide]

"NO...uh, I mean...that won't be necessary...they can wait a month or, at this point, even two, perhaps it would be better, Mrs. Thompson."

My sister-in-law is coming home from Arizona -- YAY! -- and moving in with us, for a while; my parents are planning one last trip to Hungary, last minute (of course) and I've got the BlogHer conference to get ready for in...um...HOLY CATS...less than two weeks!

Let me think.

"OKAY!"

To think, I've only been passing out in her chair for 6 years, or so, give or take a hypodermic.

"You and your kids are so funny...I still remember how the three of you first came to me...before Mini-me was born, I mean...and how you all cried after Little Man got his shots!"

Still - most people would probably be surprised to learn just how nervous I can get, especially about traveling and having to meet new people, ALONE - it's always nice when people remind me to, you know, chill out and get over myself.

"We ARE still babysitting for you, right?"

[eyes go wide]

"NO...uh...thanks guys...but, um...I mean, your calendar's full of doctor appointments...and there's your trip to get ready for...and everything."

One alligator...two alligators...three alligators...
.
Morale of the story:   Don't let the awkward silence worry you too much, it's those nasty mommy glares - you know, the kind that says, "Die, you over-breeding little twit," and then sets your hair on fire - are the ones we all should learn to watch out for!

[shiver]

Don't worry, I'll be fine - it's bound to grow back, sometime - in the meantime, please feel free to stay a while, clean off a chair and mind the killer dust bunnies.

If anyone needs me, I'll be upstairs....cleaning out the closets and cursing my wardrobe!