This Full House

Love Thursday: Quieting the Demon Child Within

Being elegant, gentle, soft-spoken and a bit shy, by nature (no, not ME!) Thing One was born with a wonderful sense of being able to recognize, understand and empathize with what other people are feeling.

Then, one day, she woke up and unleashed the demon child within.

Thursday Thirteen #7 - Go Slow, Tired Moms Ahead.

 

There's an interesting article in USA Today about how babies can cause "momnesia", the mental fuzziness and memory lapses that set in shortly after childbirth.

The article goes on to give expert opinions on the subject and why some women would be reluctant to talk about their memory problems.  One that hit home, for me, was for fear of being judged poorly at work.

Uh-huh.

NOT just at work and It doesn't go away, either.  Still.  If you're wondering (or, worried) about the long-term effects of "momnesia," don't sweat.  Take it from me - nearly 15 years of working in the trenches - here are 13 reasons why I do NOT think you're crazy.

The Thirteen Signs That You ARE A Mom:

Thirteen Things #6 - Things I haven't managed to kill, or break...YET!

No, it's true, ask anyone of the service and repair departments currently on my speed dial - my kids and husband Garth (not his real name) WILL tell you - I am a total KLUTZ aaaaaand there's a very good reason why my other blog has the following proviso:

It's no secret. I like getting stuff. I like writing about the stuff that we like and perhaps make my family's life a little easier. Especially, if it works!

Or, I haven't managed to break it...YET!

On the other hand, taking into consideration that I did NOT break the stupid dryer, there are some things that just don't seem to work out right for us.

More specifically, appliances and...well...anything with mechanical and/or moving parts.

Seriously, I have voltage issues which, in turn, increases my chances of having some serious bad luck with electric.  Hell, I managed to set my bra on fire and  kill the dishwasher.  Oh, AND I nearly fried the entire neighborhood, dancing with power tools, again.

[wipes dirt off ass and waves at 98-year-old neighbor]

Hang on.  Don't go.  Fear not, there maybe more to the total DORK you see, before you! I had some time to kill at school, yesterday - my kids make me park way in the back - and I managed to come up with a list of stuff that, you know, still work.

The 13 Things I Have NOT Managed to Break and/or KILL, Yet:

Thursday Thirteen #5: Things You Won't Find Under The Tree

I don't know if it's me - okay, I'm fibbing - but, my kids have taken on an attitude, this year.

I know - just act surprised, m'kay.

Not the typical surly sort of suckage you'd expect from a child - shuddup! - but, they don't seem to be asking for much, lately and this is the first year that the kids have NOT made a list for Santa!

I don't know, if it'll snow, let's just have a cup of, "Are you kidding me!?!"

Of course, I'm happy - they're actually seem to be happy with...um...whatever they get and I think I'll buy them ALL a pony, damnit - but, I can't help but feel a little bit surprised, as well.

Like, what do they REALLY want and are they going to like what Santa's brought them?

I don't know - since, I have NOT even started shopping, my own self, yet - but, I can tell you this:

Thirteen things you will NOT find under our tree on Christmas Eve:

1.  Wii game system:  WHO KNEW, kids would want it for Christmas?  Stupid Nintendo!

2.  PSP, or Playstation 3 for that matter:  Because, we GOT to eat.

3.  Hannah Montana concert tickets:  Unless, YOU want to send us some - I would liked to have seen Montana!

4.  Bratz - big eyes, big lips, these girls ARE scary looking:  The spokesdolls for Botox, I swear.

5.  Most anything on Oprah's Favorite Things:  Cheese and rice, would it kill her to like something, say, under $25?!?!

6.  Loud toys:  Not if you EVER want to see your grandchildren, again!

7.  Victoria Secret:  Secret's out, granny underwear IS in!

8.  Candy, chocolate coins and cookies for Santa:  Because, Doofus ate AND either pooped, or threw it ALL up, ALREADY!

9.  Gingerbread house:  See note above.   

10. Puke or poop:  Ditto.

11. Kids, sleeping:  Hahahahahahaha - as wired as they are, right now and you ARE kidding me, right - why bother going to bed, at all?

12. Mommy kissing Santa Claus:  No one can hold a candle to Garth (not his real name) besides,  I'll be too busy...wrapping!

13. Any of you, my dearest blogging friends:  Not after reading this list, or at least numbers 8-10, anyway.

Only 12 more sleeps 'til Christmas - Holy Hannah Montana, seriously - if anyone needs me, I'll be upstairs in the closet, buried knee deep with laundry and looking for my Christmas mojo!

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Thursday Thirteen #4: It's The Little Things That Does A Momma Good!

Garth (not his real name) and I met on a blind date - his oldest sister and I were friends and  he only agreed to take me out (ONCE) on a dare - 2 months later, he proposed, I accepted and my father jumped Garth (not his real name) and nearly consummated the union, himself, right their in the middle of the living room!

"Cheese and rice, I thought I was NEVER going to get rid of her!"

Nice.

Clearly, my parents were extremely happy - hell, my last boyfriend was a hockey player...10 years older and about 5 inches shorter than me...and used Elmer's glue as hair mouse - and everyone in the family pretty much knew that my parents liked Garth (not his real name) more than, you know, me.

17 years, 4 kids, 4 cats, and 1 sock-eating doofus-type dog later, my parents insist that I should start taking better care of Garth (not his real name) as the man is about as worn out as...um...I am and they swear that he gets NO respect!

"Are you kidding me!?!?"

Okay, it's not like I don't know Garth (not his real name) feels a bit tied down at the moment - and not in a fun sort of way, either - I mean, I lived with the man long enough to know that...um...I am NOT the easy woman to live with.

Hey, I'm Hungarian - not to mention, a Gemini and the female half of fraternal twins - we ARE an emotional lot and Garth (not his real name) knew this from, like, right after he asked my father for his permission to marry me.

"Someone help me get Daddy off of Garth (not his real name) please!"

After 17 years, 4 kids....etc...etc...I can honestly say that - although, we're both starting to show a little mileage and several weeks go by before we even get a chance to, you know, squeeze in a tune up  - there are certain things about daddy, that mommy knows best.

 

13 Words of Association for Garth (not his real name)

1.  Kisser:  luscious, suckable full lips such that Angelina Jolie would be, like, "Niiiiiiice!"

2.  Looker:  his eyes are a beautiful shade of green and sort of like the color of the ocean, after a storm.

3.  Humor:  slightly nutty, a bit Eddy Izzard-ish with a hint of Steven Wright.

4.  Coffeemaker:  a perfect pot every time and hands it to me, in the shower, every morning!

5.  Bugger:   kills spiders and other creepy crawlies, DEAD.

6.  Psychic Reader:  Knows when to hold 'em, knows when to fold 'em, knows when to walk away, and knows when to RUN!

7.  Healer:  I couldn't have gotten through this week, without him!

8.  Believer:  balances work, play and a full plate of very cold pasta carbonara with the greatest of ease.

9.  Giver:  donated $$ to Thing Two's girl scout bowl-a-thon, and walks around with holey shoes, because he is Father Christmas.

10. Dapper:  the man can work a suit!

11. Tougher:  than most men (even some women...who shall NOT be named...but, 9 of whom happen to work in his office) I know.

12. Whiskers:  hence, his blog-alias....Garth.

13. Fodder:  makes for great blog.

It's things like these - little miscellaneous words of association that either rhyme, or end in "er" - that does a momma good ;o)

[Disclaimer:  the order in which items appear may change according to, and in keeping in line with, the author's mood.]

Thursday Thirteen #3: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Rants

As most of you know, by now - especially, if you've recently had the pleasure of spending an outrageous amount of time waiting in an airport, WITH ME - I'm not a very good airline traveler.

[burp]

Excuse me, but attending BlogHer '07 was the first time I had boarded an airplane in 15 years and, thankfully, I was lucky enough to be seated next to a young couple (he was from Chicago and they were both moving back to her home, in Norway) who were kind enough to talk me up...through...and down the entire way.

[I would link to my post, where I blogged about it, but I can't seem to get anyone to tell me just how in the heck to download them from the wpdatabase dump...as if, I have time...or, obtain the necessary degree(s)...to be able to convert .sql to .xml...DANGIT!]

Then, remember my trip to California, earlier this month?

[Which, I can link to...because, I decided to re-post all of October...before the dump, just in case...since, I am SUCH a dork!]

Where my plane was re-routed to Dulles and the naked dude?

[insert mental etcha-sketch, NOW!]

Well, I must be a magnet of misfortune - these things seem to happen to me...all...the...time - although, it could always have been worse and...now, that I think on it some more...a couple of scenarios come to mind.

Thirteen things about flying the friendly skies:

• Taking the last of a box of Dramamine and finding out that your flight's been delayed, the recommended dose!

• Deciding to buy another box, ANYWAY...and realizing that you're out of cash and you've lost your debit card!

• Feeling nauseous while waiting in a standing-room-only crowd of annoyed business travelers, suddenly remembering that you're a bit claustrophobic, as well and hoping that you do NOT actually, throw up...OUTLOUD.

• Having your flight delayed, AGAIN, throwing your arms up in exasperation and then hitting the guy in the head, standing next to you.

• Fully admitting that you are an absolute klutz and then tripping over his suitcase, as an exclamation point!

• Boarding the plane, FINALLY, and realizing that not only are you...way...in...the...back...of...the...plane...AGAIN...but, the guy you just rammed with the umbrella (the one she insisted you take, btw) yep, he IS sitting next to you.

• Having your flight delayed - what, NOT again!?!? - and sitting on the plane for another two hours, on the ground!

• Skipping dinner, making fun of your MIL for suggesting that you go and buy a candy bar, just in case and then tearing into the rest of your spearmint gum, as if it were your last meal on earth...sorry, Mom...stupid United Airlines!

• Nearly losing your lunch...in your purse...but, finding your debit card.

• Not being able to find a way to remedy the nervous habit of yawning, nearly choking on your spit and then spitting your gum on the passenger sitting in front of you.

• And wondering who you'll be sitting next to, in Hades, for NOT telling her.

• Arriving to your destination, FINALLY, with a splitting headache, and finding out that your driver is an excellent conversationalist!

• You realize that you can talk and chew gum, with your eyes closed...at the same time...while your driver politely carries ALL of your bags to the front door, thanks you for a pleasant trip and refuses to take a tip...thinking, perhaps you're NOT such a dork, after all!

Yeah, I guess now you see why it could always have been worse....besides, you could have been traveling with me...stupid United Airlines!

Thursday Thirteen #2: 13 Ways To Deconstructing A Pumpkin

Every year, Garth (not his real name) and I look forward to that weekend in October - you know, when soccer games are finally over and Garth (not his real name) isn't working - and head over to our favorite pumpkin patch and spend the next 90 minutes choosing the perfect "Jack," oh...what fun it is to ride in a one horse...wait, that's not right.

[takes deep breath]

Sorry, after raising 4 kids and having grown used to missing all sorts of deadlines, I kind of started losing track of the holidays.

So, without further adieu, 13 ways to de-constructing a pumpkin...without losing your mind:

1.  First, you cut off the top of its head with a carving knife - not worrying, too much, about forgetting the stupid camera, while picking - and taking into consideration that specialized carving kits are for wussies (read:  yeah, forgot that too!) and just keep the kids in a separate room, while doing this!

2.  Let the "oldest" one of your carving party go first - seeing as the 13-year-old decided she had, you know, better things to do - and because I SAID SO, DAMNIT!

3.  Followed by, whoever SCREAMS the loudest.

4.  TWICE, because...you know...she's loud!

5.  Have plenty of smaller - not to mention, a lot less messy - pumpkins, or projects around...because, all you want is quiet, DAMNIT!

6.  To keep them away from the Gameboy stimulated and out of your hair you in the holiday spirit and just GET OVER it, already...because, there is NO way you're getting a brother outta me, DAMMIT.

7.  And LET them use their hands...for sanity's sake...the grosser, the better!

8.  Because, it eventually ALL comes out in the...oh, my...Daddy, look...is that the puke bucket Mommy's using...GOSH!?!?!

9.  Got news for you, kids...it's best to keep Daddy out of this...because, Mommy works better this way and he ain't looking!

10.  And for the love of Christmas, yet to come, don't forget to keep your pets from underfoot, or risk colliding head on with gravity...STUPID dog.

11.  Remember, if mommy's happy...then, EVERYONE is happy!

12.  Even in the dark, that's a pretty-good-looking pumpkin.

13.  Before the bugs got him...that is...STUPID pumpkin!

Hope this helps.  Happy Holidays, everyone.  The best we can hope for is to survive the next couple of weeks...with, at least, our dignities intact...oh, and try not to lose your heads... m'kay!?!?

Thursdays Thirteen - is the new Fourteen Random Things - at our house, anyways.

Jinkies, I've been tagged by Dana and I've been jonesing to join in on Believer's pet peeves - not to mention, I'll do anything to avoid thinking about gut rot, or looking at this - so, here ya' go! Seven pet peeves I've discovered, since last Thursday:

1.  The phrase, "It is, what it is." - To which I answer, "Yes, but it can ALWAYS be better...damnit!"

2.  Rude customer service people - Look, I've serviced plenty of customers in my time...for more years than I'd care to remember, really...I know what you're thinking...trust me...but, would it kill you to at least ACT like you care...and that your job actually depended on the fact that I am NOT happy...oh, and for the love of Garth...would you please, STOP popping your gum, already!

3.  Hotel key cards that don't work - Because I am clumsy, a dork AND technically challenged; 'nuf said!

4.  Drivers who refuse to use their directionals - Yes, you've got one and should NOT be afraid to use it, or face the wrath of my evil eye and I AM part Gypsy, you know!

5.  Disgusting displays of road rage - Showing me your middle finger will NOT make me inclined to go any faster and if you insist on driving that far up my butt, at least have the courtesy of allowing me to pull over and introduce ourselves, properly!

6.  People who stare - Say hello, or show me the booger, already!

7.  People who refuse to be the first ones to say, you know, hello - Begging your pardon, your majesty, but...um...our kids have been terrorizing each other for years and I know where you live; you ain't all that!

7 random things I really don't hate:

1.  I don't really hate doing the laundry - With my new washer and dryer I was able to get through seven loads, yesterday; it's the folding and the putting away that can take days.  Makes for nice extra seating space, though.

2.  I don't really hate being a mom - I just don't love it...every...flipping...minute...of...my...life, is all.

3.  I don't really hate my breasts, or Facebook - I just don't like how I feel about them, at the moment.

4.  I don't really hate bugs - I despise them!

5.  I don't really hate it when my husband and I argue - As long as there's lots of kissing and heavily making up, after.

6.  I don't really hate to hear my kids complain - It means that they are exercising their right to speak their minds and that I am still listening.

7.  I don't really hate my dog - Not today, anyway.

Anyone up for the challenge, feel free to clean off a chair, sit down and tell me what irks you (or, not) the most about this week. Next week:  I'll be coming late into an Autumn Swap, jumping back into girl scouts, sweating it out in soccer, basking in my imperfections, making some more travel arrangements and getting over gut rot! I hope.