I find it difficult to talk about depression with my children -- my older kids, most especially -- no matter how strongly I empathize with their feelings, for fear of hurting, rather than helping.
Until, one of them mentions the word "suicide" and, well, as a parent of 2 teens and 2 tweens, there are a scant few parenting topics that actually cause the bile to rise into my throat.
I mean, how and when (if ever) do I tell them, "Yes, I have experienced suicidal depression," first hand?
To say that the woman had an unhappy and difficult childhood is perhaps the understatement of the century.
My own mother can't bring herself to talk about those early days, however, she didn't have to.
My parents moved in with my grandmother and her husband (my mother's stepfather and Theresa's biological father) the year my twin brother and I started kindergarten.
They did their best to shield us from a man who was clearly, even to my young eyes, mentally disturbed and our being in school full-time, while his preference for working the nightshift, helped.
However, my earliest memory from this time is watching him strike my grandmother hard enough to send her across the kitchen into the adjoining bathroom.
My parents were desperate to get out, saved up enough money to buy the dilapidated house down the street and spent the next 30 years making it into the happy home I now fondly remember.
Theresa's story, however, was not.
She married young, her pancreas was severely damaged after the birth of her second child and she developed diabetes.
She was only 21 years-old.
She soon divorced, was raising 2 young children and, a few years later, finally reconciled with her ex-husband.
At 36, she was hospitalized for a failed attempt at suicide.
I spent a week with her and my cousins, who were in their very early teens, at the time, and I vividly remember how her mother-in-law's face changed, from concern to absolute repulsion, as soon as I walked through the front door.
"It's ALL your [censored] family's fault!"
Her words were sharp, painful, and, sadly, very true.
Thankfully, Theresa recovered, continued to battle diabetes, helped raise 3 grandchildren and, ironically enough, was the happiest my mother and I have ever known her to be, right before her death.
She was 58 years-old.
Her death had a profound affect on my children and I can't help but hear those same haunting words, over and over again:
It's ALL your [censored] family's fault!"
In her memoir, Half in Love: Surviving the Legacy of Suicide, author Linda Gray Sexton speaks of her mother's depression and eventual suicide:
"In adolescence, I fantasized that I would break the family chain of suicide and madness, the bad spell cast over motherhood."
I remember making the similar promise, to myself, when my first child was born, which 17 years and 3 children later, now I realize was a ridiculous expectation.
Reading further into Ms. Sexton's story was a painful reminder of my own family's dysfunction and yet, only now, do I realize, for the first time in my life, I have kept my promise.
By breaking the silence and continually learning to forgive my parents and, in retrospect, myself, for allowing me to believe that I would be destined to make better choices.
As Ms. Sexton writes:
"I stand in the immediate present under a high noon sun: I cannot see how much shadow falls behind me, or what it's shape may be. The shadow is the story I tell."
MY TAKE ON HALF IN LOVE: Talking to my children about how depression and suicide has affected my family isn't easy. Reading through Linda Gray Sexton's story is difficult (I found myself empathizing with her sense of foreboding and isolation more than I would have cared to admit) however, her courage in allowing herself to not be defined by her mother's depression and continued recovery from attempted suicide is an inspiration, indeed.
And, so, I listen, as my children and I continue to understand our imperfections and, hopefully, learn from each other's mistakes...both, past and present...this is my family's legacy.
Rest in peace, Aunt Theresa.
© 2003 - 2011 This Full House
Thank you to award-winning author Linda Gray Sexton for sponsoring this series, which is inspired by her memoir Half in Love: Surviving the Legacy of Suicide. I was selected for this sponsorship by Clever Girls Collective which endorses Blog With Integrity To learn more about Linda Gray Sexton and her writing, please visit her website.
