No fair? There’s two men living in a house with 4 women - we’re lucky we have a gas station around the corner!
My husband and IÂ didn't realize howÂ watchingÂ The Cosby ShowÂ was like actuallyÂ being afforded the opportunity to peek into ourÂ very ownÂ future...but, weÂ went all ahead full (or, is it full speed ahead?) and hadÂ children, anyway.
Because Cliff and Clair Huxtable (i.e.Â mom and dad)Â made it look so easy?
Actually, I remember thinking to myself - especially during the episodes focused on dealing with Theo (their son) and his best friend, Cockroack - "Holy crap, but boys are such knuckleheads!"
And it's true.
As I soon learned for myself - boys are knuckleheads! - but, raising girls is like enteringÂ a mental institution and not knowing whether or not you're a patient, or just visiting.Â And they still haven't hit teenage, yet?
One pre-menopausal, one pre-menstrual, one pre-hormonal, one preschooler and two bubbling over with testosterone - put 'em all together and what you got?
Someone, pleaseÂ passÂ me a bottle of pain-reliever and the remote...because I swear...I feel as if I'm living in a sitcom and I'd like to turn the channel, now...please.
Today's episode:Â It's Potty-time!
Cast of characters:
Big Man - the worn-out and weary of all that leaks.
ThingÂ One - twelve years old.
Thing Two - ten years old.
Little Man - seven years old.
Mini-Me -Â almostÂ five years old.Â
TheÂ Old ManÂ -Â world's grumpiest cat.Â
BuckbeekÂ - Ninja kitty.
Rufus - the world's most flatulent dog.
MeÂ - 'nuf said
Scene 1: Me and Big Man's Bedroom
Rufus:Â (wags tail)
Me:Â UGH!Â (accidentally kicks cat)
Old Man:Â HISS! (wacks dog)
Big Man:Â Jesus Chr... (kicks other cat)
Buckbeek:Â HISS! (wacks Big Man)
Big Man:Â F*ck! (kicks Me)
Me:Â OUCH! (kicks and misses dog, but connects with nightstand and knocks over water)
Glass breaks, dog barks, cats go running every-which-way and thus starts a typical morning in This Full House of stinky...can you feel the love?
Scene 2:Â Bathroom #1
Big Man:Â Mmmmm, I know what you can do with that (said he who would find a hangnail...arousing)
Me:Â FLOG (for the love of God) can you think of nothing else....get away from me! (pushes with both hands and knocks Big Man into bathroom door, knocking picture off the wall and breaking glass)
Rufus:Â BARK!Â (knocks into otherside of door and wacks Big Man in the head with the door knob)
Big Man:Â Jesus Chr... (tries to stand and head-butts Me in the chin)
Rufus:Â (frightened) FART!
Big Man:Â Aw...man...you stink to high heaven!
(knocking from the otherside of the wall)
A-voice-yet-to-be-identified:Â HEY...how about a courtesy flush...it's stinkin' in here, too!
A-voice-yet-to-be-identified:Â UGH...nevermind...Buckbeek pooped in here...in front of the litterbox...again!
Me:Â Well...just scoop it...'kay?
Me:Â (knocking on wall) HEY...don't you leave it for me!
Big Man:Â DAMN!
Big Man:Â The damned faucet's leaking again!Â (reaching under the sink for the wrench, because...yes!...the faucet leaks...that much!)
Me:Â (sitting on potty)Â Could you please leave that...for later?
Big Man:Â (making disgusting grunting-sort of sound)
Exit Big Man.
Enter - all...four...kids...and...of course...Rufus.
Me:Â (eyes go wide) What!?!
All Four Kids:Â HURRY...I NEED TO GO POTTY...BAD!
Me:Â FLOG....use the other bathroom!
Thing Two:Â No way!
Little Man:Â That's okay...(excutes a perfect arm-pit-fart)...I'll wait!
Mini-Me:Â 'Cause it stinks in dear!
Thing One:Â I think I missed the bus!
Exit Me - (into bathtub, pulls curtain and turns on showerhead...full blast)
Me:Â GAAAAAAAAH! (jumps away from scolding hot and falls into a crumpled heap...and totally naked...btw)
(Someone tears shower curtain open and four sets of eyesÂ stare at Me...hugging knees...rocking back and forth...and mumbling incoherently...and did I mention I was totally naked?)
Mini-Me:Â (crying) No fair!Â I wannaÂ take a baf...wif you...too!
Fade to black.
I swear -- even Bill Cosby can't make this up -- you think this kinda shit happens in Steven Spielberg's house?