I'm not one for giving parenting advice - not being able to follow simple instructions and accused of being less than cooperative, myself ownself - but, sometimes I find myself in the position of having to either agree, disagree or strongly suggest that a person teach their child to use phones, properly!

[phone rings]

"Is Thing One there?"

Silence.

"Hello?"

[clearing throat]

"Yes?"

[cough]

"Um...is Thing One, there?"

Silence.

"Hello, can you hear me?"

[sigh]

"Yes...but, who am I speaking to?"

[hestating even more]

"Um...oh...this is So-and-So."

Silence.

"Hello?"

[hesitating]

"Yes?"

[heavy sigh]

"Oh, I get it...okay...um...hello Thing One's Mom...this is So-and-So...may I pleeeeze speak with Thing One?!?!"

[even heavier sigh]

"No, I'm sorry...Thing One is sick and can't come to the phone, right now - perhaps you can try again, tomorrow?"

[click]

What?

It's Monday, the kids and I were all sick this weekend and she should feel damned lucky I answered the phone in the first place, trust me - feeling and looking as I do, right now - you'll thank me, later!

Next week: Teaching your kids the fine art of puking in the toilet and other random crap from a mommy on the edge of jumping the couch!