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August 2007

Hump Day Diddy Dumbs: His dad NEVER laughs at pregnant women, either!



My poor son (yes, he IS really mine) with those blue eyes and his fair skin, Little Man is the picture-perfect copy of his father - which, of course, means that he also tends to turn quite purple and embarrasses very easily.

"Oh, I do NOT need to be seeing these!"

Okay, so guys aren't supposed like shopping, but you'd think the boy would be used to it.  With three sisters, and all.  Being dragged around the shoe department, I mean.   But, in his defense, I suppose shopping for underclothes, and such, can get a little, boring - especially, when you're 8!

"Relax, we're almost done, why don't you go sit down on that bench over there and please try not to look like you're dying, too much and I promise...we will go and look at some stuff that moving parts."

With three sisters, the boy is doomed!

"I'm taking the boy and we're going out to do manly things, today!"

So, Garth (not his real name) and Little Man did some stuff - the kind that the girls and I are not supposed to know about - but, this time it was his dad who nearly died and, once the kids were in bed, Garth (not his real name) couldn't wait to tell me all about it! A pregnant woman walked into the diner... No, really - it's not a joke - apparently, Little Man and his dad were having lunch and a pregnant woman walked into the diner.

"Wow, she's ready to pop!"

My husband nearly choked on his Diet Coke...

"I know how she got that way, you know."

...and nearly died of horror...

"Really, mom told me."


"There's a special kind of hug that a man and a woman do."

Phew, it seems that Garth (not his real name) is going to live through "the talk," after all.

"And it sounds REALLY embarrassing!"


"I feel really bad for you, Dad."

He looked left, right and leaned in really close.

"Yeah, because you had to be embarrassed...FOUR TIMES!"

Rest in peace, Garth - I've also told Little Man that it's okay, if boys cry - you can thank me, later!

© This Full House 2003-2019. All rights reserved.

Summer Vacation: I've got something for you, too der-Nancydroo! - Day 70

This weekend, Garth (not his real name) and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary - thank you for your kind wishes and my husband really did enjoy his date with you guys - and we were able to get our first taste at being empty-nesters, having farmed the kids out and keeping this full house of overdue library books and month-old!

"So, what do you want to do?"


"Um...I dunno...what do you wanna do?"

Did I mention, it's been 17 years...sheesh...and I'm sorry...but, being together as long, as we have...and having as many kids, as we do...our expectations of a successful date night are relatively, low.

"Let's go out, to eat!"

You see, arranging a seating for 6 isn't feasible for our family - unless, it happens to be kids-eat-free-on-Friday at IHOP, or someone else is buying - but, my parents gave us money...and his parents gave us, we decided to cut our kids loose on their grandparents...and RUN...someplace we would NOT normally go...without having to scan the window for a kids' menu, or a credit card, first!

"Quick, let's go over to the Pub and maybe even order something exotic!"

Because, nobody makes a the Irish!

"I'll have the fish and chips, and an iced tea, please."

[blank stare]

"Like in regular, or like on Loooowng-uhyyyy-land?"

I've lived in New Jersey all my life - I could probably spit to Manhattan, from here - but, the "oy" in some people's voices still makes me want to, you know, spit finger nails.

"Oh, go ahead,'s our a little...besides, the kids won't be watching!"

And that's when Edith Bunker showed up. [eyes go wide]

"Ohhhhh, aw'nt chew gawys just the cutest loooowng has it been, hoynee?"


"Oh, you have no idea!"

I knew, that he knew, that's NOT what she meant.

"Actually, it's been 17years!"

[eyes go REALLY wide]

"Ohhhhh, sweetie...DAT ain't loooowng...I haven't slept with m-why husband in ov-vuh 25 yeahs!"


"No, that's NOT what he meant!"

Of course, he didn't.

"You're right, der-Edit, better make MINE a double!"

No, wait!

"Aw-rye-ttttee, then!"


"I'll have a Mojito, please."


"A Moo-hee-toe, you know, the Cuban drink made with some crushed spearmint and rum!"

[eyes go wide]

"Ohhhhh, sweetie...I don't tink so."


"But, I can get'cha one-a-dem nice Mexican-type drinks called a Moo-gee-tuhs!"

PERFECT! My husband and I had a great time, ate terribly fattening food all weekend and - after only two rounds of drinks and an extra order of sweet potato fries - Edith-der and I became best friends, forever!

Morale of the story:  A bird that flies in a fog, and accustomed to ordering on the fly, is NOT necessarily a dingbat!

Screw you, too...der-Archie!

© This Full House 2003-2019. All rights reserved.