Helloooooooow, my name is Sassy.  Doofus-Dawg isn't here, right now.  Why?  Uh.  Good question. 

[looks left, looks right]

Beeeeeeeecawse.  Um.  I ate him, yeah.

[snarl] 

As if, right?

Actually, his mommy put him in a time out.  I mean, I told him NOT to eat the garbage this morning.  But, you know, he's a DOOFUS and, well, I'm not. 

DER!

Aaaaaaaaayway, Doofus-Dawg's mommy is letting me sleepover, for a little while (i.e. what, in human terms is, like, I dunno, 2 weeks, or something, I think) while my mommy and daddy are on vacation, without me (DAMMIT!) and, you know, I kinda, sort like it here.

There's lots of little humans, running around, ready to rub my belly and play with me and, well, what's one more, right?

So, c'mon in.  Sit down!  The couch gots these real BIG mooshable pillows and, well, Doofus-Dawg is kinda sort not tawking to me, at the moment.

[sniff]

See?  His mommy says he's just a little jealous, or something.  Me?  I think he's maybe even a little scared of me, too.

'Cawse, you know, I can be real scary, sometimes.

[snarl]

See?  Friggin' frightening, right?  So, don't make me have to use UPPERGROWL, okay? 

Oh, and you have yourself a nice day.  If anybody tells you different, just send them to me.

Why?

'Cawse, like Doofus-Dawg's mommy, I'm a Jersey girl and, well, she woke up with a real bad headache and is pretty p.o.'d at Doofus, at the moment, so I don't wanna have to make her Monday any ruffer than it has to be, ya' know?

[snarl]

Stupid Doofus-Dawg!