I still remember that fateful day, when my husband Garth (not his real name) and I nervously sat down at the conference table, distracting the lawyer long enough to hand us each styrofoam cups of stale coffee and, between the 3 of us, was the only one able to hold a pen steady enough to sign the papers.

"I think I'm gonna throw up!"

I was a few weeks pregnant with our first daughter (commuting, while under the influence of gestation, sucks wet poodle, btw!) and, well, WE WERE BUYING OUR FIRST HOUSE!

"You're young, yet, there's still time."

The lawyer, who seemed very well-versed in the matter, insisted that investing in a starter home was the way to go and that our timing could NOT have been better.

"As long as you move before the kid starts kindergarten!"

17 years, 4 kids, 3 cats, 2 refinances and 1 doofus-dawg, later (give or take a couple of goldfish) both my husband and I have FINALLY accepted the fact that we are, you know, totally screwed.

"Wow, it's a lot bigger than I thought!"

If I had a dollar for each time a repairman has said that to me, well, I'd be able to park my car in the garage, by now.

"We get that, a lot."

Not to mention, folks who are surprised to find that our house, you know, looks A LOT different...on the inside.

"Doing some work, I see."

It's not like we have this thing for dry wall (although, after a while, you DO sorta get used it) but, after 17 years, 4 kids, 3 cats, etc., etc., other stuff has taken priority (like, you know, food) and, well, there's ALWAYS something, right?

"How long have you been renovating?"

This particular repairman, however, seemed to be genuinely interested.

"Let's see, um, about 17 years."

The poor guy stopped laughing as soon as he realized that I was, you know, serious.

"Uh-huh, so, okay, I'm done here, buh-bye."

Granted, it's not the smallest house on the block (my 103 year-old next door neighbor has owned that title for, well, over 100 years, now) and, with a few of gallons of paint (give or take a couple of barrels) or, a VERY LARGE construction crew, looking for some pro bono work, who knows?

"Um, did you back-flush the pool, today?"

Because, you see, these days, I am the Queen of Denial AND Supreme Back-flusher!

"Why?"

Then, I remembered....that I forgot...to turn the shut-off valve, you know, back on.

"You burned up the motor!"

Long story, short (you're welcome!) that same day, we also ended up taking my car into the shop (it was either that, or never be able to make a left turn, ever again!) and that little bit of money I just got paid (because, you know, I do work, sometimes) uh-huh, I'm sending one of the Pep Boys on a lovely vacation...this summer.

"You owe your father a cup of coffee."

Apparently, my dad made a big stink about paying for the new pump in the pool store and, well, I owed the man a piece of cake AND dinner for the next 2 weeks, too.

"Why are you ALL wet?"

Apparently, the pump is a whole LOT stronger than our old one, the pressure split the out-take hose and being doused with chlorinated water, while under the influence of coffee (and cake) makes you do this:

What?  Melisa thought it was funny when I told her this same EXACT story on Monday (STILL don't have my car, sucks donkey balls, btw!) or, maybe she was just humoring me, either way.

[snort]

Still, it's OUR home, the kids seem to like it and I wouldn't trade this house, or the love I felt for my husband, at that particular moment, for all the philanthropically-inclined contractors in the world.

[wipes eyes]

Okay, maybe Ty Pennington (relax, my husband already knows and he's okay with it) or one of the HGTV Dream Homes (I've been trying to win, since 2001, DAMMIT!) but, let's not open that OLD wound, okay?

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