My oldest, her first Halloween in 1994, I dressed Holly as Little Bo Beep (sorry, Holly!)

Aaaaand, even Heather's face is all, like, seriously Mom?!?

Also, I'm pretty sure Glen is STILL not over the epic diaper wedgie he received from this ill-fitting-hand-me-down Tigger suit.

Which leads me to reason #71,928,099 why I will be fed a steady diet of strained carrots, in a nursing home, somewhere far, far, away.

My 17yo is studying Forensics.  Don't ask me why.  She's majoring in art education, I think.

Also, the girl can't even squash a bug, let alone, bag a stinky old body part.

Aaaaanyway, she's a huge Bones and NCIS fan (me, too!) helllloooo David Boreanaz and Mark Harmon.

[heavy sigh]

Um, what was I saying, something about body parts?  Oh yeah, so I wasn't surprised that Forensics is one of her favorite classes, this year.

"We tested each others' lips, today."

[eyes go wide]

This is what I see, when looking out my kitchen window and I swear it's mocking me, flipping me the bird, or something.

Stupid, freaky-looking tree.

© 2003 - 2011 This Full House

My friend, Melisa (with one S) had a really bad run in with a runaway gas pump, yesterday.

Really, go and give her some love (when you find the time, of course!) because, personally, I can totally relate to her angst.

I mean, honestly, as a self-professed magnet for attracting really, really embarrassing situations AND considering my talent for breaking things HARD!

There really is a REAL good reason why this Jersey girls does NOT pump her own gas.

Yeah, besides the fact that it's illegal to pump your own gas, here in New Jersey (and Oregon, I think) THIS IS a law suit just waiting to happen.

"Oh and be sure to stop at the gas station on your way home."

Now that my oldest daughter is driving?

"I think it's time you learned how to get gas."

I think it's real important to know how to pump your own gas and she does (her father showed her how to do it on our last road trip to Cape Cod) just NOT in Jersey.

"How did you do?"

[one beat, two beats]

"Fine, after I let the gas station dude show me how to pop open the gas tank."

[blank stare]

Ummmm, yeah, we may or may not have forgotten to show her where to find THAT particular button.

[sound of crickets]

WHAT?!?  It's in a really weird spot, way down on the floor (I think!) aaaand, I even forgot, my ownself, the gas station dude had to show me where it was, once or maybe twice, I forget.

Morale of the Story:  My oldest has decided to pursue a career in art education, as well as attending a college closer to home (YAY!) clearly, she did NOT get her artistic talent from me.

Stupid gas stations, dumbass cars!

© 2003 - 2011 This Full House

Backstory: Hurricane Irene ripped us a new one (figuratively and literally) damaging our roof and chimney, which now causes our ceilings and the front of our house to leak like a sieve, every time it rains.

Flashback: to September, which, turns out, was one of the stormiest months we've ever had, here in Jersey (of course!)

Flash-forward: last night, my awesome friend Sue (who also happens to be my next door neighbor, in my dreams, I wish) Facebook's me while I'm out buying lottery tickets.

Missed it (DAGNABIT!) so, through the magic of the interwebs, I go and watch the episode this morning:

Sorry about the 15 second ad in the beginning (ABC folks gotta keep their lights on, too, I guess) the clip itself is only 30 seconds long and a gosh-darned good example of what it's like to live in our house, when EVERY TIME IT RAINS!!!

Now, if you'll excuse me, the clouds are beginning to roll in. 

If anyone needs me, I'll be in the kitchen.  Breaking out the pots and hoping that the insurance check clears and/or ABC calls, sometime, soon!

Stupid roof, dumbass Irene.

© 2003 - 2011 This Full House

Loooong before I had kids and waaaaay before automated teller machines -- although, it's kinda weird to call ATM's that, since they don't give out lollipops OR dog bones -- I was the senior customer service representative for a large manufacturing company.

Before that, I was the secretary to the plant manager, as well as various vice presidents and a couple of marketing and district sales managers in their corporate offices.

Then, the owner was indicted (long story, I hear he pretends he's Elvis now) and, well, I got another job as a, you guessed it, a customer service representative.

However, this time, for a rather large manufacturer of toilets.

So, yeah, I have a lot of experience, dealing with customers and their crap, at an executive level.

I empathize with anyone working in a service-based capacity, whenever dealing directly with the public, because, well, people suck.

Unless, I happen to be the customer.

[eyes go wide]

I took my 17yo shopping last night [shiver] because, the house magically disappeared the ONLY two pairs of jeans that fit and, well, yes, the cashier was probably all like, "UGH, I just want to go home," too!

Then again, I can't think of ANYTHING else I would rather NOT be doing, than shopping, at 6:00 p.m., on Sunday night, can you?!?

"We're NEVER going home, you know that, right?!?"

At first, I thought she was talking to me and I was going to answer her (because, I'm nice like that) but, she was actually talking to the other cashier, who was already checking out the ONLY OTHER person on line.

[popping her gum]

"I know, right?!?"

I am NOT even kidding!  She really DID say that, right in front of me, THE CUSTOMER, while pop-pop-popping her gum and...really?!?

[rolls eyes]

"I don't know HOW you guys put up with these people ALL day?!?"

Again, not directed towards me, THE CUSTOMER, honestly, I was kind of tired and, you know, still sort of confused.

"Is there a problem?!?"

[sound of crickets]

I turned to ask the person behind me if I had magically turned invisible and, well, there was no one there to ask, as I was THE ONLY CUSTOMER BEING CHECKED OUT AT THE TIME.

"Geez, are they EVER going to make the announcement?!?"

Honestly, I was all, like  and, not for nothing, but if I had EVER talked like that, in front of customer, I would have been fired, three times over!

"What announcement?!?"

Good, the other cashier was all, like (see face above.)

[popping gum]

"You know, that the store is closing?!?"

[one beat, two beats]

My turn.

"Oh, you didn't hear it?!?"

THAT got both their attentions.

"They made that announcement about a half an hour ago."

She tossed me my bag, mumbled something about it being about time and started closing out the sales in her cash register.

"Have a nicccccccccce night."

She said, like a blood-engorged snake.

[whispering]

"But, I didn't hear any announcement, either, mom?!?"

Actually, there wasn't.  She had another 30 minutes to go.  

"Thank you and g'night!"

I grabbed my daughter's arm, mumbled something about it NOT being my problem the girl doesn't know enough to wear a watch, or check to see what time it is.

What?!?  Blame me for being old-ish, if you must.  But, the kid needed jeans, otherwise I would have totally left the stuff right there on her counter, without even paying.

You got a problem wit dat, Skippy?!?

© 2003 - 2011 This Full House

I hate the dentist.  What?!?  You, too!!!  Seriously, the word Novocaine alone (for me, a dozen pokes, per tooth, minimum) or the thought of anything even remotely associated with drilling a hole, anywhere, is enough to bring a shiver down my spine!!!

BBBBBRRRRRZZZZZ!!!

[shiver]

My middle girl (she's 15) however, couldn't care less, seeing as she's had:

• Tonsils removed in 2006
• Was filleted like a fish, from behind, at the base of her spine, to, um, let's just say Heather spent her 13th birthday, during Christmas week, getting used to sleeping on her side (shiver!)
• It took 18 months, 1 emergency hospital visit and 3 more cauterizations before it FINALLY healed (we hope!)
• Unlike her oldest sister, needed 4 teeth pulled before being fitted for braces, last year

So, yeah, Heather's had more blood tests, shots and parts of her body violated by doctors, than me, my husband AND my other kids, combined.

Did I mention, said doctors happened to be training medical students, at the time, like, in "UGH, really Mom, I mean, I don't even know what MY butt looks like!?!?"

Although, her father and I like to kid her about being spared less beatings, than her siblings, considering she DOES have the MOST expensive backside (heh!)

Of course, I kid (sort of) and no, she STILL doesn't find that last sentence, humorous, at all, either, trust me.

Aaaaanyway, so, I took my youngest kids to the dentist office (FINALLY!) since my oldest kids visit their ortho practice AND because, you know, we LOVE sending OTHER people on vacation.

[grin]

They were both a little nervous (me, too!) but, Hope went first (of course!) and then the dentist got down to the nitty-gritty.

"Blah, blah, blah, slight decay in number blah and blah, also in numbers blah and blah."

Okay, not for nothing, but I just thought of ANOTHER word that makes me shiver.

Decay.

[shiver]

Poor thing sat there, EYES WIDE, just like that and, honestly, the last dentist just sort of did whatever, made a cool balloon-ey sort of animal, out of a latex glove, gave her a pencil and sent us on our way.

"We'll have to fix those, right away!"

This one threw his gloves away.  Then he left.  I'm not sure I like this dentist. 

So, I whispered to the dental hygenist, just in case.

"Does decay mean the same thing as cavaties?"

[eyes go REAL wide]

"I HAVE CAVATIES?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

PHEW!!!  Hope's hearing, however, seems just fine.  Still, none of my other kids have ever had cavaties (Glen's checkup went fine) so, there's that.

"Yes, but they're just teeny-tiny ones."

I do, however, like the dental hygienist. 

"It's ALL your fault, Mom!"

Backstory:  Hope went to her first sleepover, called to tell me I packed the wrong toothbrush and I told her to use it anyway, seeing as she is the youngest and, you know, I'm tired.

[sound of crickets]

Yeah, the dental hygienist gave me that same exact look, I bet you dollars to donuts, that you're giving me, right now.

"Baby, it will be alright, trust me."

Aaaaand, how do I know?  Well:

• I made the appointment
• Her Dad is going to take her
• NO, he doesn't know about it yet, either

[shiver]

Enough said.