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September 2014

Mom, Mistaken For A Zombie, Gets Punched In Throat!

Living with 2 teens and 3 other adults (who have opinions AND are NOT afraid to use them), it's not very often that we all agree on...well...anything, really. Unless, we're talking Zombies. And if you're into Zombies? Well, then for the love of all things George Romero, feel free to clean off a chair and sit down, my friend...because there is always room for one more walker!

Because, 13 MORE SLEEPS UNTIL THE WALKING DEAD!!! YAY!!! We are ALL big fans of The Walking Dead ova here, and have been following along since Season 1, but last season -- what, with all the"What IS this Terminus" or "What's with the flowers?!?" and "OMG, LIZZIE?!?"-- nearly killed me!!!

Here's the thing: I just get way too involved in the story line (because, there is lots and lots of drama in Zombieland) and they would've left me behind for Zombie food not even halfway through Episode 1.

"OMG!!! NOOOOOO, RUN...QUICK...THROUGH THE FRIGGIN' GREEN DOOR...ON YOUR LEFT...NOOOOOO, YOUR OTHER LEFT!!!"

[opens green door]

"GAAAAAH!!!!"

Who knew? Eleventy-billion zombies...OMG!!! RIGHT THERE!!!...dripping with oozey-Zombie flesh...waiting for my sorry ass...right behind the friggin' green door.

"Mom, could you NOT?!?"

Yep, I'd be the one my kids smack in the leg with a baseball bat and leave behind as Zombie bait.

[eyes go WIDE]

Aaaaaaand, then it hit me...like a baseball bat to the leg...I could easily be mistaken for a Zombie, because:

  • Zombies, kind of, sort of walk funny -- I've carried children and given birth, four times, me too.
  • Zombies look all drawn and haggard -- I've got teens, enough said.
  • Zombies are hungry, all the time -- ME, TOO!!!
  • Zombies react to sound and MUST investigate -- because, teens are LOUD...oh and...BOOYAH!!!!...I just remembered where I hid the good chocolate...[insert deep, guttural groan here]...CHAAAAAAW...CO...LUT!!!
  • Zombies have a hard time sitting down or getting up from chairs, without falling on their faces -- because, gravity can be stupid like that. 

Hah! So, when the Zombie Apocolypse arrives...because, OH YES, it is coming...all I have to do is pretend like I'm one of them and...CHAAAAAAAW...CO...LUT!!!...no Zombie food for you, skin suckuhs...NOT TODAY!

"Until someone throat-punches you and you pass out at the sight of your own blood."

[blink, blink, blink]

Long story, short: because, watching television with teens is hard.

"Ooooooh, there's my pretend boyfriend, he looks REAL YUMMY!!!"

[cringe]

"Ewwwwww, that's just ALL SORTS OF GROSS, Mom!!!!"

Moral of the Story: because, watching television with teens can be REAL FUN, too...YO!!!

©2003 -2014 This Full House with a fan page on Facebook, a way for you to subscribe to receive This Full House blog post by Email and everything! 

© This Full House 2003-2017. All rights reserved.

15 Things You Never Say to a Perimenopausal Woman

Being a mom is hard. Being a mom of teens is...uhhhhhhhh...excuse me for a moment...HEY! DID I NOT JUST SAY THE DISHWASHER IS DIRTY?!? GET YOUR PLATES OUT OF THE SINK, DAMMIT!!!...ummmmmm....what were we talking about, again?!?

Liz's Cawfee #FoamAtHome

[takes another sip of coffee, blows bangs out of eyes, plays with chin hair]

Oh yeah, NOW I REMEMBER! So, I was thinking. Dangerous, for a dork like me, I know. Still. I've been reading lots of blog posts and articles online about what we should or shouldn't be saying to a pregnant woman...EVUH!!!...because, DUH!!!! She's probably NOT in the mood for silly shenanigans, like asking her if it was a planned pregnancy.

Well, it's actually...NONE OF YOUR FRIGGIN' BUSINESS!!!!...but thanks for asking.

That being said, I think it's also equally important to realize that saying one or more of the following, to a peri-menopausal woman, may or may not get you some serious hurt:

1. Daaaaang, it's cold in here

Shuddup and turn down the thermostat, would ya'?

2. Why are you so moody?

Ohhhhhh, other than my uterus feeling like it's on fire and attempting to strangle the rest of my internal organs, AND IT'S HOT IN HERE, no reason, really.

3. Meh, sounds a lot like PMS.

Yes, now with EXTRA BLOAT and saggy-boob sweat...HUZZAH!

4. Relax, you're just being overly-sensitive.

Oh, my gosh, I'm soooooo sorry...here, you better put some ice on that and don't worry...the swelling should go down in a couple of days, mostly.

5. All you need to do is change your diet and exercise.

Good idea, I'll go get MORE ICE!

6. Sorry, we're all out of cherry limeade.

Oh okay, and here's my mailing address, just bill me for the damages.

7. You look too young to be going through menopause.

[blank stare]

8. I'm so sorry, but we don't carry that particular shoe in wide.

Right...soooooo...do you know of anyone else who stocks YETI?!?!

9. The bathrooms are for employees, only.

WE NEED A MOP ON AISLE 6, PLEASE!

10. Let's go bathing suit shopping!

We're gonna need a bigger mop, AND MORE ICE!!!

11. Let's go jeans shopping!

See number 10.

12. Maybe you just need a nap.

YES!!! And turn down the thermostat on your way...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

13. Do you remember where you put...

No, is the air-conditioner even working?

14. Do you remember where I put my...

NO!!!! WHY IS IT SO FRIGGIN' HOT IN HERE?!?!

15. At least you don't have to worry about getting pregnant.

Two words: vaginal atrophy.

You're welcome.

©2003 -2014 This Full House with a fan page on Facebook, a way for you to subscribe to receive This Full House blog post by Email and everything!    

© This Full House 2003-2017. All rights reserved.

Sauder Experience: Evolution of a Shared Workspace

I'm very proud to partner with the good folks at Sauder, a manufacturer of affordable furniture you assemble yourself, and participate in the Sauder challenge: to share our experience(s) with Sauder and, hopefully, inspire other families (like mine) who have very little extra and literally, no room, or time to spare.

I've been writing online for 11 years -- my first blog post went live on September 2, 2003 -- which is like forever ago, in the evolution of the blogging community.  Today, I enjoy working to help others find online publishing opportunities and, hopefully, help further their blogging endeavors, as well.

Sauder challenge begins
buh-bye ugly old folding table. oh and we bought that sauder cabinet 10 years ago, it's a keeper.

I also telecommute from home. Which, with 6 people living in our 7 room house, is no easy feat (especially, during the summertime, when the kids are ALL home and probably bored) trust me!

So, I've claimed a small area in the play room/laundry room/den and it's worked out pretty well -- my teens sharing an old folding table, because the legs on the old kitchen table we re-purposed as a desk finally broke, not so much.

Continue reading "Sauder Experience: Evolution of a Shared Workspace" »

© This Full House 2003-2017. All rights reserved.

Cape Cod or Bust[ed] Arm!

I used to be an excellent planner. Also, very, very organized and a bit of clean freak...with borderline germaphobe tendencies...especially, during the holidays or whenever we'd have company over.

Seriously, my husband's favorite parlor trick was to take a glass from off of a coaster, slide it onto the living room table and then countdown...5...4...3...2... [whispering] ...watch this!

I'd come into the room, place the glass back onto the coaster, wipe the table off with my apron, and then place the cheese platter in the center of the table, alongside a nice pile of coordinated cloth napkins, of course.

Heh. Just kidding. I never wore an apron. And too much cheese gives me gas (you're welcome!). Also, doing the laundry was NEVER my favorite thing...soooooo, yeah...NO CLOTH NAPKINS, EVER!

Aaaaaanyway, then we had kids. Then a couple more kids came along and, well, nothing gets you over being a bit of a clean freak...with borderline germ-a-phobe tendencies...like your baby throwing up...in your mouth.

On the other hand, being a mom HAS helped me get over OTHER stuff, like my:

  • Fear of needles -- having spent nearly 3 years of my life pregnant and having gone through roughly 32 prenatal visits, 24 of them with children in tow, there were plenty of OTHER things to obsess about.
  • The sight of blood -- AND NEEDLES!!!
  • The sight of any bodily fluid, really -- because, BABIES and... [hurl] ...NEEDLES!!!
  • Running out of bandaids -- got hair thingies and a tissue, you'll live.
  • Running late, again -- 4 teenagers, 3 of them girls, enough said.
  • Running out of clean clothes -- see previous bullets, above.
  • Having the house define me -- meh, it could be messier...ME TOO!!!
  • Flatulence during yoga class -- been there, done that, yoga is stupid.

Just to name a few, but the one thing my husband and I have BOTH learned to live with is: NOT planning stuff until...the...very...last... [picks up cell phone, checks time] ...possible...minute.

Which drives some other people crazy, I'm certain of it -- especially, hardcore planning-types (sickos!).

For example: Garth (not his real name), our two oldest girls and I had Labor Day off, so we thought it would be GREAT if we could try...and I mean try, really, really hard...to get away for the weekend...you know...together...at the same time and everything.

"Do you know where we are going, yet?"

So, by that Friday, the younger kids were getting a little excited (and curious) about where we were actually going to try...really, really hard...to spend our mini-vacation.

"Not sure, yet."

Me, too!!!

"But, I can tell you, we'll be travelling either North or South."

[cue house phone]

"Don't freak out or anything Mom, but...."

Typically, whenever one of my children begins a sentence with...Don't freak out...it's really code for...Ya' better pop a pod into the Keurig...because, it's probably not going to be good-ish news.

"I'm in the E.R."

See what I mean?!?!

[fires up Keurig]

Long story, short (on the day we were going to try really, really hard to leave): our oldest daughter was finishing up her shift at work, slipped, fell and broke her arm and...well...good thing they finished wrapping it by the time I got there, because...believe it or not...this was our first broken bone, ever... [knocking on wood, until knuckles bleed] ... and HURL!!!

"Will I be able to travel?"

Even longer story, shorter: she broke her elbow, so the hospital wrapped her arm with a temporary cast and instructed us to see an Orthopedist in a couple of days; traveling with it would be fine, as long as she kept it elevated and iced...the ENTIRE 6 HOURS to Cape Cod...while there...and then back, again.

20140831_141808
remember that time when holly broke her arm and we went to the cape, anyway?

What?!? We take our vacation time very, very seriously...YO!...and it turns out this kid has a very high pain tolerance (yes, totally unlike her mother!), she was an absolute trooper throughout the entire weekend!

IMG_20140830_133200
remember how mommy kept asking her if she was alright and how it made holly absolutely crazy?!?

What?!? It was my first time taking care of a kid with a broken bone, a'ight?!? And her baby sister was much worse, if you ask me, always getting in between us, so I wouldn't bump her arm.

10641294_803265656360324_1724311760265843484_n
remember how much fun we had visiting some of our favorite spots and...hey...where IS holly, anyway?!?

Holly DID manage to get in A LOT of quality time...with her dad...and the other three kids didn't seem to mind, sort of.

Flash-forward, this past Tuesday: my husband took Holly to the Orthopedist (heh, yeah, we ALL thought it best HE take her) and I'm NOT going to lie to you, I was a little nervous for her...okay, A LOT!!!...and I prepared myself for the absolute worst news...like, surgery... [HURL!] ... and had my game face on...when they got home.

"Ummm...soooo...how'd it go?!?"

She shook her head.

"You're not going to like this."

She started pulling her arm out of the sling...and...OMG!!!...like, I really didn't want to see it...and....

"TA-DAH!!!!"

I winced.

"Wait, no cast? No bandages? No nothing?"

Turns out, you don't want to immobilize a broken radial bone.

"It's the part that allows your arm to turn from side-to-side."

With exercise and using the sling when out and about in public, her elbow should heal itself within 6 months. YAY!!!!

"Oh, but there's a bunch of blood pooled in between the break...mom...MOM?!?"

Apparently, I still have issues with blood...and flatulence.

The End.

©2003 -2014 This Full House with a fan page on Facebook, a way for you to subscribe to receive This Full House blog post by Email and everything!   

© This Full House 2003-2017. All rights reserved.