I don't know what happened, really. I wasn't always such a worry wart. In fact, folks who knew me back in the day (you know, when social media was just a twinkle in Compaq's iframe and we actually face-timed each other, for real) would probably agree -- I was pretty loosey-goosey about stuff.
Siiiiiigh. That's right. Loosey-goosey. Look it up, youngsters. Aaaanyway, where was I?!? Loosey-goosey. Face-time. Social media. Back in the day. Oh yeah, I remember now -- soooooo, then I started having kids and...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!...another worry wart is born.
Yep, raising kids has consistently proven to be quite worrisome -- teenagers, on the other hand, have issues...ISSUES!!!...like in major energy-sucking, hair-raising, skin-crawley, makes your brain itch-type of issues...and social media isn't helping any.
As a parent of 4 teens...fine, so the oldest is in her 20's, I'm in denial, a'ight?!?...I still don't have the "right" answers, but I can tell you that it's been a long, slow and drawn-out process...worry wartdom, is...here, let me show you:
And if butterflies are free to fly...then fly away...far away...bye-bye...la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, laaaaaah...
Oh sure, I totally remember the baby daze...when I was all like...ohhhhhh....mah baybeeeez...they are soooo cute...and cuddley...GAH!!!...wook at doze baybeeee toes...nom, nom, nom...[sniff-sniff]...and doz brand new baybee smellz...DUH BEST!!!
I got a news flash for you, Kermit...it's not easy being a parent...either.
Ohhhhh...ummmmm...okay...wow!...what IS that smell...GAH!!!...this sh*t just got REAL, you guys...and WHOA!!!...can you say "snot factory"?!?...ohhhhh...WOW!!!....who knew stuff could come out of ALL the things...THAT FAST...and at that same time, too?!?...IS THAT EVEN NORMAL?!?...daaaaaang, I don't feel so good...because, PROJECTILE VOMITTING!!!
Does my makeup look okay...oh, and hang on a second while I...HURL!!!
Okay, so which one of yuhs forgot to flush?!?...WOW!!!...and what in the world did YOU eat...IS THAT EVEN NORMAL?!?...wait, what?!?...oh, okay...sooooo, you ate ALL the Play Doh...EVERYBODY IN THE CAR, we're going to the doctor, RIGHT NOW!!!...holy crap on a cracker, what do you mean they ALL have strep throat, too...UGH!!!...ohhhhhh, wait a minute...now I'm really not feeling so great.
Aaaaand, if you pinch your face and facepalm long enough, it'll stay that way, trust me on this one!
Wait...soooo, let me get this straight...you're NOT allowed to wear sneakers and the girls are not allowed to wear anything shiny for the play...so you NEED black dress shoes and the girls NEED long-sleeved, blouses...in warm Etruscan red tones...ONLY!!!...right, okay...soooooo, when IS this play...what do you mean, TUH-DAY?!?
This part is brought to you by the letter B: for "biting" your tongue more often than not and did you know that stress can make you all "bloaty" and stuff?!?
Soooooo, what time IS this party, anyway?!?...aaaaand, who's all going?!?...and where IS the party, again?!?...ohhhhh, it's a sleepover...AND hey YOU'RE driving...soooooo, I shouldn't worry...okay, riiiiiiiiiiiight...let me get the door for you...whoopsies...wow, who knew front doors could break AND stay locked, so easy...oh, soooo I see you've used the window before...RIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!
Aaaaaand then your kids turn teen: welcome to full metal worry, complete with no sleep and a complimentary set of horns, my friend.
So, you want to go to this concert...aaaaand the concert is 3 states away...but your friend just got his permit and he's going to drive yuhs there...if I let you borrow the car...okay, sooooo....no...um, no...that would ALSO be a no...and, wait, let me think about it a little...ummmmm...OH HELL NO!!!!...yeah, I know you do...BUT I LOVE YOU, BABY!
P.S. It doesn't stop when they become adults, either.
Long story short: I didn't always look like this, my teenagers MADE me this way! Aaaaand, for those of you with younger children, feel free to consider this to be a cautionary tale:
Don't worry so much about the teenage years, you WILL survive. Maybe not in one piece. And definitely less easy-breezy about stuff. But, you ARE also in very good company!
Okay, now somebody remind me...m'kay?!?
[sound of crickets, chirping]
You like my new hat? You can't EVEN see the wart, RIGHT?!?
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