I have NEVER been (or will ever be) associated with anything even remotely petite. I was one of the lucky ones to have blossomed earlier than the rest of my entire second grade class, which earned me the nickname "Amazon", because SECOND GRADE and...flash-forward eleventy-three years...SARCASM!!!

Then, sometime around the fall of 6th grade, the Wonder Woman television show hit the airways:

Aaaaand, I was all...BOOM!!!...POW!!!...NOW all the world is ready for me, and all the wonders I could do! Even though I wasn't as...uhhhhhh...tricked out...as Lynda Carter was (still is) ...physically...or any other 'cally...especially, in the 6th grade...or ever.

Not to mention, the show had pretty much ended by the time we got into high school and then John Hughes brought back petite...dammit.

Disclosure: I am a HUGE John Hughes fan, literally.

Still, after birthing 4 babies, I've grown to love my 5' 9", size 12 body frame -- bumps, lumps, hug-worthy squishy parts and all -- my man-fingers, not so much. Most especially, texting with my man-fingers. On the other hand (see what I did there?!?), they come in very handy when:

• Opening wine bottles
• Opening pickle jars
• Opening ALL the jars
• Poking holes into packages
• Ripping open cardboard boxes
• Poking and ripping ALL the things
• Flipping someone the bird (don't even make have to!)
• Epic 5 stars -- my teens gave me that one, I still don't know what that means

Yesterday, I came up with a new one:

• Scrubbing grout into total submission

Yah, that's right, no grout is safe! Unless, it's bathroom floor-type grout that's been multiplying since last New Year's Day. Then...OH YES...it's gonna get ugly, real fast.

Flash-forward this afternoon: I mentioned how the tips of my fingers hurt while chatting with Melisa (because she's a good listener and NEVER judges me and I love her!), but even she had a hard time imagining why the tips of my fingers would hurt.

Me: Yah, it sort of looks like the prune-y skin you get after swimming.

Melisa: [waiting for me to finish, because REALLY?!?]

Me: I think maybe it was the fact that I used straight-up bleach, to clean the grout.

[one beat, two beats]

Melisa: Because, CHEMICAL BURN!

[blink, blink]

I looked down at my man-fingers.

Getting all up close and personal with my man-fingers...

UPSIDE: I didn't even feel burning them while making dinner, too much.

Deep-fried man-finger, it's what's for dinner!

Sooooo, I guess there's no use in hiding it any longer...[heavy sigh]...YES!!!...my name is Wonder Dork...and I have man-fingers...and you should be feeling really, really good about yourself...right now!

You're welcome.

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