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Because I’m older, wiser and probably have way more stretch marks than you, too!

I'm not one for giving parenting advice - not being able to follow simple instructions and accused of being less than cooperative, myself ownself - but, sometimes I find myself in the position of having to either agree, disagree or strongly suggest that a person teach their child to use phones, properly! [phone rings] "Is Thing One there?" Silence. "Hello?" [clearing throat] "Yes?" [cough] "Um...is Thing One, there?" Silence. "Hello, can you hear me?" [sigh] "Yes...but, who am I speaking to?" [hestating even more] "Um...oh...this is So-and-So." Silence. "Hello?" [hesitating] "Yes?" [heavy sigh] "Oh, I get it...okay...um...hello Thing One's Mom...this is So-and-So...may I pleeeeze speak with Thing One?!?!" [even heavier sigh] "No, I'm sorry...Thing One is sick and can't come to the phone, right now - perhaps you can try again, tomorrow?" [click] What? It's Monday, the kids and I were all sick this weekend and she should feel damned... Read more →

© This Full House 2003-2019. All rights reserved.

Yet another testimony to the power of being able to make children cheer and grown men cry!

My father is going back into the hospital - since, my mom is feeling better and it's his turn, anyway...dammit! - and though this round of surgery is not life threatening, I do believe that this time, his going under the knife (for the 10th time in three years) will undoubtedly prove to be my family's undoing! "Hi, Sweetie..." [&#@%] "...just wanted to let you know..." [%@#&] "...your father and I are home." [cough] "Good...um...is everything okay?" [&#@%] "Hmmm?" [%@#&] "Oh, that...yes, your father's just trying to take his [blankety-blank] jacket off..." [muffled voice] "WOULD YOU JUST CALM DOWN...FOR THE LOVE OF...GETTING YOURSELF AGGRIVATED ISN'T GOING TO HELP...IS IT!?!?" [hissing] "Ugh...I hope they fix him, soon...because his [blankety-blank] pain is killing me! [heavy sigh] "I'm sorry, Sweetie...did you say something?" [cough] "Nope, see you Sunday...love you...buh-bye!" [click] Typically, I would have stayed on the line and offered my mother a... Read more →

© This Full House 2003-2019. All rights reserved.

If you can’t decide which dog is best, get them all … adopt a doofus!

My husband and I grew up with dogs, but decided to wait to get one until our youngest rugrat was out of diapers. We did the research, asked our family and friends, and finally attempted to adopt a beautiful basset hound through animal rescue, which turned out to be a disappointing experience that left our kids heart-broken. Not that we're bitter (MUCH!) but, we decided to try our hand at finding our family's first pet through our local animal shelter. Though believing that investing in "a breed" would be best and having family and friends owning a lhasa-schnoodle-doodle-poo-something-or-another, our economic situation led us on a more...um...mutt-led path. We got ourselves a doofus-dog! No, really - I mean the dog is so dumb, he'd be standing right beside you, turn to leave the room, forget there was a wall there, and bonk his head...each...and...every time...earning him the nickname, Pinhead! [sitting at... Read more →

© This Full House 2003-2019. All rights reserved.

Picture Perfect Thursday: Chill Out!

[Photo essay: by Thing One, age 13 Song credit: Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol] ...I don't quite know How to say How I feel ...Those three words Are said too much they're not enough ...If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? ...Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life . ...All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see . . ...I don't know where Confused about how as well Just know that these things will never change for us at all . . . ...If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? [Win, lose or draw - sometimes, you just gotta know when to chill -... Read more →

© This Full House 2003-2019. All rights reserved.

Like prawns on anabolic steroids, these are the lobsters of our lives.

One of the few things I look forward to about Mondays - okay, about the ONLY thing - is settling in with a chilled glass of my favorite white wine and lusting over his majesty and master chef, Jacques Pepin.The man has the most gorgeous set - filled with very lovely kitchen appliances, knives, pots and pans - I have EVER seen! Seriously. The man can cook the heck out of anything, especially on a weekday evening. He's fast, entertaining and cooks in a way - with that French accent of his - that can even make the simplest pizza look sexy. Me, not so much. Oh, I used to cook. Real food. But, you know. After kids - not to mention copious amounts of fish sticks, hot dogs, macaroni and cheese served with chicken nuggets - I've since lost touch with my inner-chef. Imagine my surprise when the hubs... Read more →

© This Full House 2003-2019. All rights reserved.

Hump Day Diddy Dumbs - Another stupid winter fashion tip in one hundred pounds, or less.

Mini-me pretty much dresses herself, these days, and - being raised a hybrid in a house filled with women with distinctively different tastes - like her sisters, she spends a painfully long time getting ready in the morning. Not today. Because the one thing they all agree upon (including my son) is that there is no other fashion tip more important than knowing how to wear your winter...um...innerwear? All the cool kids are wearing their pajamas inside out and backwards. Especially the ones living in my house and in the event of a winter storm warning! Perhaps you haven’t heard - or simply do NOT have a school-aged child living with you, at the moment - but, wearing your pajamas inside out and backwards is more than just personal choice, it’s a moral imperative. If you're a mom - like me - then perhaps you'll be happy to learn this... Read more →

© This Full House 2003-2019. All rights reserved.

Be careful when killing two birds with one stone, you might miss the birds!

My mother-in-law called, the other night (I think it was Thursday) to catch up on how the children and I have been feeling, lately - since our latest battle with bubblegum fatigue and phlegm - and, balancing the phone receiver with my left shoulder, I continued to time my son (while he completed 100 math facts in less than five minutes) reached for the safety scissors and began clipping the dead leaves off the geraniums on the window sill, and chatted away: "Uh-huh...yes...they're all better...nuh-uh...no...I'm not busy." I wasn't being, you know, sarcastic (really!) and besides, I owed her a phone call. Okay. Perhaps two or three, even. Make a long story, you know, less long (I know, probably not) I had to cut the phone call short, when Mini-me ran into the dining room, stood in front of me and covered her hand to her mouth: "Yes...in fact, your... Read more →

© This Full House 2003-2019. All rights reserved.